Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde
It’s Thursday. I’m staring at the clock in my private hospital room since the doctor admitted me today as a
Precaution for my C Section that is happening Monday at 12. I haven’t really written a lot since I’ve been busy with my pregnancy and sleepless nights and a load of stress with my baby and finding out I wasn’t going to have a natural
Birth. I was okay with that but the other complications such as having Veso Previa aka Placenta Previa occur has been present since my 26 week. I’m ok. Not too worried. Just still have to take my anti anxiety medication so I don’t completely lose all sense of reason!
Now. To update on Jacob. A lot of things has happened in the last 6 months. We’ve gone from losing our psychiatrist to gaining another really great one at his school. They finally decided to change his medication so that he wasn’t so homicidal anymore. That didn’t last very long. He was still fighting constantly with school officials and teachers and always being removed from the classroom. He has zero academics to account for this year.
On top of that, yes there is way more for me to vent with.......we have had Children’s Aid Society at our house several times for allegations that my husband and I abuse Jacob. He told them that we beat him with a closed fist and also my husband uses a belt to beat him. What!??
And on top of that, we are refusing to feed him and call him retarded and that we never hug him. Man. If I could actually video the behaviour that he displays no one would ever believe a word he says ever. But CAS had to do their job and investigate the accusations of us. Thankfully they found it all to be untrue and we thought ok we can move
On.
Not so fast my pretty........
After that, Jacob started really getting a. Hate on for my job and for me and for my daughter. He tended to focus on picking on little girls and women. He grabbed a girls iPad at school one day and smacked her across the face with it and then smashed it on the ground. Jesus. And then punched her again and told her she’s a stupid bitch. I was completely speechless. He came home, and lied about it and I had to do my own investigation to get to the bottom of it. I ended up having to give up my other iPad which he used so that the little girl had one. Her family was not well off and on assistance and she communicated with the iPad to speak to people. What a horrible kid to do this. And he bounced back from it, completely no remorse and no sympathy whatsoever. Once that incident happened we knew something far worse was happening with him.
The fights with his older sister started becoming more severe and we kept begging and pleading with the school to get his appointment sooner for the new psychiatrist. We were in a huge jam and I had many options before several years ago but now it felt like I had none left.
Jacob was not only fighting and angry all of the time, he kept accusing us of excluding him and hating him so much that he wouldn’t even talk to us.
I was dying inside and growing ever more impatient with the medications changed and kept hoping through everything that he would make some progress even.
We finally got in to see the new psychiatrist and she changed his medication. She drew a chart and showed me that there was
Only one more medication that Jacob could take and that we were at the end of options for medication. Holy crap. So he takes two medications now one for his ADHD and one for his aggression.
The first few weeks of being in it though it was a low dosage he was doing much much better. Or so we thought. He was still engaging in fight with everyone except me and my husband and was lying about his school days to us. We got back in touch with the teachers at school and learned he horrible truth. He was still being removed from class and causing so much stress and anguish for others no one wanted to be around him.
Then came the comments about my job and hating me and hating the baby etc.
my husband decided that he was going to be getting him up in the morning s for now because he didn’t want me to be stressed out. Still. Jacob pushed the boundaries every morning from refusing to eat to dropping his
Medication on the floor
So the dog would eat it or drop it in his milk and refuse to drink it. Plus he would lay in bed for 30 mins and then have to be rushed out the door to get to school. He was playing nothing but mind games with us and we did not have the energy got him anymore.
I had written his father to tell him off
All of the issues we had and his dad started offering to take him on his off
Weekends. Unfortunately he would get to those weekend and would cancel last minute due to work. So work was far more important to him then his son and his struggles. It’s too much. His father and I kept in contact and to make an effort to reach an agreement I finally
Told his father to please take him for a while. Not too sure
How long but please
Take him because I wanted him to be happy. He’s clearly not happy at my house. Heartbreaking but true. So his father has been dragging his feet since December to take him so I finally had to call CAS to get the process going of having him placed in foster care since his father seemed to be ignoring my emails and correspondence.
I really wrestled with the fact that I had to call CAS. Period. It took me weeks to do it only because my thought process was Jesus. I’m a police officer. For gads sake I don’t need their services. There are far more people out there that need them more then me. But who was I kidding? I started feeling so angry and hateful that I couldn’t do anything right for Jacob. Or
Myself. I had zero patience. And my heart hurt. And I felt like I was so in the middle between trying to love my son and loving my husband and my sanity.
I made the call. I Spoke to an intake worker initially and she commented that I sounded like I had written everything down. I laughed and said I’m used to reporting things via the phone from houses and a call
While at work. She paused and said where do you work? I told her I was a police officer and her whole entire attitude changed. She was very icy cold and distant at first and then she sounded like she was more Empathetic to my situation then I have ever heard anyone be. She took my information down and told me that a case worker would contact me. A new case worker called me and told me that we would be working together and that their motto is to keep the child within his family. I told him about Jacobs father and they turned up the fire
Under his arse so that he would help out.
I was lost. I completely lost my
Sense of hope and faith that he would either change or get better or go and live with His father so that he was doing better. The hours weeks and days went by from January to even now, and not much has changed. Really the only thing that has changed is the fact that both
Me and my husband have zero care about anything right now, and haven’t really enjoyed the baby coming at alll. Oh yea, I’m having my first baby on April 30 via C Section. It’s a girl!
Jacob had graduated to completely lying about everything and doing completely opposite to everything we tell him not to do. We’ve been trying to let him have his privileges but every time he does go play at the park or
Outside of our line of vision, something bad already happens. Then we bring him in, he lies and gets sent to his room and we do it all
Over again the next day and the next day. He comes home from school and doesn’t even say hello or ask how we are let alone even talk to us. He disappears to
His bedroom or actually asks to go outside and play and is gone until his bedtime with checking in sometimes as an option so we have to go out and actually prompt him to come in for dinner. It’s horrible. It’s a horrible family breakdown and we try so hard to talk and love
Him and cherish him and all he tells us is it
Doesn’t matter. Everyone hates me anyway, you don’t want me, daddy doesn’t want me so why bother. He refused to do an activity at school for work project. The question was name 5 things that are good about you. He told his teacher nope and ran out. When he came home he Told me the reason why he didn’t do the exercise was because he didn’t want anyone else to know anything about him. He hates everyone. Holy shit. Talk about hating yourself so much. And why so much anger for an 8 year old?? I have no clue.
The process seems to be moving in a good direction. The CAS worker reached out to my ex husband and told
Him the severity of Jacob coming to visit him and actually stay. He apparently told him he just has to make some arrangements and that he will be taking him soon. When the heck is soon?? Not soon enough.
The other part that breaks my heart is that my daughter is suffering so much between being bullied at school and being bullied by her brother at home. She told my husband yesterday that she feels so awful and cried that she has to deal with
It at school and at home. My heart just broke for her. How could I not have seen how badly this was affecting my own children? How selfish could I possibly be? My husband said that I’m neither of those
Things selfish or stupid but that we tried
Every possible scenario we could think of. We even had a in home behavior therapist and she told us after two
Months that she didn’t think we were ready for strap down and do intense therapy with Jacob when the baby is coming. She felt we weren’t emotionally or mentally ready since we had already had a family breakdown between us and him and quite frankly no one wanted to be around him at all. It felt so sad and difficult to hear that. But she was right. We didn’t have the energy to put more into him since even both of us where actually already at home 24/7 now. It was brutal.
Now I’m at the hospital trying to be relaxed for my daughters birth and everything feels like a stand still for now. It’s sometimes is very maddening and then sometimes I don’t know how I even feel about all of it. I have been through so many emotions and I’m quite sure that Jacob has shut himself
Off completely to us. I guess it says that when he doesn’t even say good night
Or hug us anymore. For such a small guy he has so much hate and violence and I kept wondering how much of that could’ve been any of my fault?
My husband keeps telling me that he has seen it before, and that to be honest Jacob may not ever change he may even get worse. Get worse??? What’s worse than this? Your child hates you enough
Where he tried to kick your pregnant belly? And tells you he hopes you die and so does the baby? Or how about I hate cops and I hate your job? I don’t think it could be anymore hateful then that. But apparently that is the worst it’s been so far.
I wanted to see the positive in it. In him. And our family and I felt like I missed all of that at some point when his anger and my anger got worse. Not even wanting to be around me or his sister or step brother or my husband was painful and still is. I know that like I mentioned dummy hope and faith have completely gone and I’m. It sure how much longer either one of us can hang on and try and be decent parents. What do you do when you’ve done everything you’ve been offered and your son still can’t stand to be in the same room as you?
For now I’m just sitting in a private room trying to rest and relax and not think about it but man, Netflix and book reading can only take me so far.....
Momma Bear
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