So, I'm at a loss, a stand still...something like that. What is going on with my kid? Why does he feel the need to do the things he does??
A few days ago, between the peeing incident, and then just overall nasty behaviour, Jake has proven that he has no self control. And it's quite scary in the sense that he is going to be fighting more, and always getting in trouble. I'm fed up. Beyond sometimes.
Last night, we took a friend of my daughters to the Soccer Dome, so i could have my hour of sanity. I have been playing soccer most of my life, and I love it. It makes me feel so much better just to be there with my friends, and to play some good soccer. Well, my sister Bobbi was there as well, and her son Ashton. Ashton came over while I was playing and said that Jake had run away. Our Manny Nils was already on it, and just went for a walk with him. I found out that Jake had gotten mad at Amber, and grabbed her by the throat again, and choked her. I was absolutely furious with him. I was so angry, and all I could think about was JESUS, I'm here to play soccer. Why does he have to constantly do things to be rude and distract everyone from their fun times.
Jake finally came back in and I asked the girls what happened. Jake got mad at Amber, and grabbed her and choked her, Leighton stepped in and pushed him down. Jake then got up and tried to fight with his sister, and the fight was on.
What a bunch of heathens.......Like CMON!
Jake got a time out, and thankfully Auntie Bobbi was there because I was so angry I had to walk away. Because what I really wanted to do was tan his hide, but unfortunately he doesn't respond to anything from me.
What I cannot understand is that I get Jake gets angry, but he has no idea how he can actually hurt someone, like Amber. He is bigger and stronger then her, and he doesn't seem to actually understand that. I have had enough.......and I explained to Jake that he is actually is making it harder for his sister as well as himself to make friends. Like cmon, no one will want to hang out with you or care about you.
What is also so hard is that I have to be both the father and the mother. I have to be hard on both of my kids, and then after I've blown a gasket I have to be soft and loving. That is hard to do. Most of the time I feel like I just keep praying for them to finally get it. PLEASE, just get it. I cannot imagine how easy it is to have kids that are normal, and just do normal everyday kids. But for me, there is no normal. Normal for my kids is Jake fightin, choking kids, peeing on kids and swearing a lot. I feeel so guilty whenever I swear, because it's like I am convinced that I've done all the damage to my son. Like just wanting to be in a normal marriage with another person who is good to us, and loved us no matter what. What it seems like that now is that that will never happen to us, and we are destined to be like this for the rest of our lives. It's a lot of thinking and late night journalling for me to just not feel so depleted and to feel like throwing in the towel. The preverbal throwing in the towel, is to not even care anymore. To just give up because why bother addressing anything with Jake because none of it feels like its working. NONE OF IT.
I know I have great people in my life, that love me and my kids, but they are all not present everyday when shit hits the fan. So I end up venting to the ones that understand. But there are some days when I cant even do people, I can't even explain to anyone how awful and sad that I feel that I feel helpless. I can't parent my children good enough to stop all of the issues. Now Im not stupid. I know I can't be with them all the time, but when they are with me, I want them to be kind and good to people. To be fair, and just, and treat people well. Not to choke friends, or pee on them. To go to school and just have fun as much as you can, and try your best. But there are days where that never happens, and that is when I feel so completely lost and like a terrible mother.
As for today, the rain is a direct reflection of the tears I've shed over the last week, for not only my son but for other things that make me feel helpless and unhappy. A few weeks ago, I lost my cousin to a very violent end, her name is Angel, and I've had dreams almost every night about her when we were kids, and how happy she was. I wake up sad, and empty for her, and I miss her as much as I miss all of my other family. Being here and them all in Detroit or London, and my mom in Halifax, is very difficult especially when there are some days when I want to run away.
Keep fighting,
Momma Bear
A few days ago, between the peeing incident, and then just overall nasty behaviour, Jake has proven that he has no self control. And it's quite scary in the sense that he is going to be fighting more, and always getting in trouble. I'm fed up. Beyond sometimes.
Last night, we took a friend of my daughters to the Soccer Dome, so i could have my hour of sanity. I have been playing soccer most of my life, and I love it. It makes me feel so much better just to be there with my friends, and to play some good soccer. Well, my sister Bobbi was there as well, and her son Ashton. Ashton came over while I was playing and said that Jake had run away. Our Manny Nils was already on it, and just went for a walk with him. I found out that Jake had gotten mad at Amber, and grabbed her by the throat again, and choked her. I was absolutely furious with him. I was so angry, and all I could think about was JESUS, I'm here to play soccer. Why does he have to constantly do things to be rude and distract everyone from their fun times.
Jake finally came back in and I asked the girls what happened. Jake got mad at Amber, and grabbed her and choked her, Leighton stepped in and pushed him down. Jake then got up and tried to fight with his sister, and the fight was on.
What a bunch of heathens.......Like CMON!
Jake got a time out, and thankfully Auntie Bobbi was there because I was so angry I had to walk away. Because what I really wanted to do was tan his hide, but unfortunately he doesn't respond to anything from me.
What I cannot understand is that I get Jake gets angry, but he has no idea how he can actually hurt someone, like Amber. He is bigger and stronger then her, and he doesn't seem to actually understand that. I have had enough.......and I explained to Jake that he is actually is making it harder for his sister as well as himself to make friends. Like cmon, no one will want to hang out with you or care about you.
What is also so hard is that I have to be both the father and the mother. I have to be hard on both of my kids, and then after I've blown a gasket I have to be soft and loving. That is hard to do. Most of the time I feel like I just keep praying for them to finally get it. PLEASE, just get it. I cannot imagine how easy it is to have kids that are normal, and just do normal everyday kids. But for me, there is no normal. Normal for my kids is Jake fightin, choking kids, peeing on kids and swearing a lot. I feeel so guilty whenever I swear, because it's like I am convinced that I've done all the damage to my son. Like just wanting to be in a normal marriage with another person who is good to us, and loved us no matter what. What it seems like that now is that that will never happen to us, and we are destined to be like this for the rest of our lives. It's a lot of thinking and late night journalling for me to just not feel so depleted and to feel like throwing in the towel. The preverbal throwing in the towel, is to not even care anymore. To just give up because why bother addressing anything with Jake because none of it feels like its working. NONE OF IT.
I know I have great people in my life, that love me and my kids, but they are all not present everyday when shit hits the fan. So I end up venting to the ones that understand. But there are some days when I cant even do people, I can't even explain to anyone how awful and sad that I feel that I feel helpless. I can't parent my children good enough to stop all of the issues. Now Im not stupid. I know I can't be with them all the time, but when they are with me, I want them to be kind and good to people. To be fair, and just, and treat people well. Not to choke friends, or pee on them. To go to school and just have fun as much as you can, and try your best. But there are days where that never happens, and that is when I feel so completely lost and like a terrible mother.
As for today, the rain is a direct reflection of the tears I've shed over the last week, for not only my son but for other things that make me feel helpless and unhappy. A few weeks ago, I lost my cousin to a very violent end, her name is Angel, and I've had dreams almost every night about her when we were kids, and how happy she was. I wake up sad, and empty for her, and I miss her as much as I miss all of my other family. Being here and them all in Detroit or London, and my mom in Halifax, is very difficult especially when there are some days when I want to run away.
Keep fighting,
Momma Bear
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