Today, well, was not a good day.
I feel like sometimes I am only writing about days that are awful, rather then days that are amazing.
So, lets start with some amazing things.....
First off, I've been sleeping and eating better, and playing A LOT of soccer to keep my sanity. I've made a lot of new friends, lost some old ones who were too toxic, and cleaned out some of my anxiety.
Second, my daughter has tried out for a competitive soccer team, and she scored two goals on her first try out day. FabULOUS! She surprised me at how composed she was, and she was so excited.
Third, Jake is getting better at talking about why he is so mad at everyone, or about why hes so implusive. YES. Great.
BUT, today, was not a good day.
We started off at 0600 hours, with my son running around the upstairs, yelling and screaming at the top of his lungs. This is not a normal occurrence. I had to tell him several times to slow down, be quiet, and try to settle down. If I hadn't stopped him, he would've been far far worse. He continued, I wanted just another hour and a half of sleep(normally he doesn't get up until 0730 hours), but I didn't get it. Jacob took it upon himself to get the dog out of the crate, Aramis is his name, and run around the bloody house and yell and scream and got the dog barking.
This, was not a good day.
Then I told him enough!! And to put the dog away. He finally listened(I thought), and then 15 mins later, I heard the front door open, and I look out my window and Jake and the dog are running outside on the driveway!
OH MY GOSH(insert swear words here...lots and lots of swear words) I opened my window, and yelled for him to come back inside, and he did.
By this point, I am mad. Like steaming mad. Like mad when you get hit in the face mad, and someone laughs at you, and then points and laughs like that kid from the Simpsons ( HA HA). And now I cannot keep my cool, as much as I want to, and I wanna listen to my therapist, and take some deep breaths before I unleash the MOM voice, I just simply cannot do it.
JACOB!!!!!!!!! What are you doing?? GOOD LORD......
And then I go into the youre being so rude everyone is sleeping etc etc etc. Then he complains that his belly is sore, I make him breakfast(the way Gma makes it with brown sugar, and milk) and he looks at it and says, I wanted Cheerios. WELL. I said, you can starve then if you don't want it. Theres starving children in Vanier for Gods Sake. He eats it.
We chat after I have calmed down, we both apologize to each other for being rude(mostly me for dropping a few adult words), and he hugs me and gets into his trusty minivan with his driver, and off he goes. Not ten mins goes by, but I realize, OH GOD NO. I forgot to put his medication into his bag for school. SON OF A!! MAN!!! So I call the school, let them know, get Leighton off to school, walk Aramis, and off I go.
I get to Jacob's school at 1015 hours, and I hear him yelling and screaming at his teacher "You can fuk off, and I hate you!! I will kill you!!! Youre a fuking b*&ch!!!!
And i have never heard my son say these words....ever. I can tell you I was steaming mad all over again, and then completely embarassed.
As I am walking up the hallway to see what is happening, Jacob comes running out of the room right into my legs. He stopped dead in his tracks with this "OH NO" look on his face. Miss Mandy, his teacher, said I'm so gald youre here. And all I can think about was LORD HELP ME.
So, after Jacob got into the minivan, he was rude to Jordan, another girl in his van, calling her names, swearing at her, and then it continued to school. He has another school friend, named Dante, who is an awful kid, and only hurts Jacob, both physically and bullies him, and gets him into trouble as well.
And then you have other kids in his class that make comments to him as he was getting into trouble, and Jacob decided to run by them, smack them both across the face, and called them M effers!!! Then he gets sent to the wall for a time out, and calls Miss Mandy an effing B-word. And then threatened to kill some kids in his class.
My face, after all of that........was covered in tears. Tears of frustration, tears of embarassment, tears of anger, tears of sadness, tears of shame. I guess all of it came out. I told Jacob, I couldn't believe that he would and could act like this, and I had finally witnessed all of it. It was not a good day. As much as I wanted to yell and scream at him, I just didn't have the energy for any of it anymore. I was so astonished and sad at the same time, and I had no real answers for it. I asked him so many times if he needed anything, what was he mad about what can I do to help him? And he kept the same expression on his face, a snarl look with flaring nostrils, and tears in his eyes. He then said he was so angry he wanted to punch my face in.
WHAT? Punch my face in????? I cried even harder. I told him that he broke my heart, and that I couldn't even begin to imagine why he would want to do that to me. I asked him why. He said Im mad, and you don't care. I explained that I was sorry that our life wasn't as great as he wanted it to be, with his father, becuase I know thats why hes really mad. His father is never around, and won't help. This kills Jacob, every day, he slowly fades away from me, and becomes even more distant and more distant about his feelings about his father. I said that I was sorry but that I was doing my best, I was working all kinds of overtime before just so we could pay for things and have fun together, and pay for sports. I said I was sorry that we had not a lot of support from family, but that we have important people in our lives that do care about us and love us like Auntie Bobbi and Uncle Keith, and Gel and Ash, and Ricardo and Avril, and my friends, and my co workers, and my extended family, and most importantly, Gma and Gpa, and your sister.
He still looked like he wanted to punch my lights out.
I told him, that I wasn't teaching him to hit anyone let alone girls or women, so that was to stop. I told him he could tell me at some point why he was so mad, maybe when he wasn't so mad.
And the snarling continued. I relented, said I love you, and disengaged my threat. I told him I would see him at home, and took my leave.
Nothing hurts worse then your son, who is sweet and kind and let you sleep in on Sunday until 0930 hours, and took care of the dog, and who is now looking at you like he wants to kill you in your sleep. I can't imagine anything hurts worse then this....
He came home from school, and was still angry, and wanted to be as far away from me as he possible could.
And all I thought about was, my heart was broken and in a million pieces at the bottom of my socks.
Momma Bear
I feel like sometimes I am only writing about days that are awful, rather then days that are amazing.
So, lets start with some amazing things.....
First off, I've been sleeping and eating better, and playing A LOT of soccer to keep my sanity. I've made a lot of new friends, lost some old ones who were too toxic, and cleaned out some of my anxiety.
Second, my daughter has tried out for a competitive soccer team, and she scored two goals on her first try out day. FabULOUS! She surprised me at how composed she was, and she was so excited.
Third, Jake is getting better at talking about why he is so mad at everyone, or about why hes so implusive. YES. Great.
BUT, today, was not a good day.
We started off at 0600 hours, with my son running around the upstairs, yelling and screaming at the top of his lungs. This is not a normal occurrence. I had to tell him several times to slow down, be quiet, and try to settle down. If I hadn't stopped him, he would've been far far worse. He continued, I wanted just another hour and a half of sleep(normally he doesn't get up until 0730 hours), but I didn't get it. Jacob took it upon himself to get the dog out of the crate, Aramis is his name, and run around the bloody house and yell and scream and got the dog barking.
This, was not a good day.
Then I told him enough!! And to put the dog away. He finally listened(I thought), and then 15 mins later, I heard the front door open, and I look out my window and Jake and the dog are running outside on the driveway!
OH MY GOSH(insert swear words here...lots and lots of swear words) I opened my window, and yelled for him to come back inside, and he did.
By this point, I am mad. Like steaming mad. Like mad when you get hit in the face mad, and someone laughs at you, and then points and laughs like that kid from the Simpsons ( HA HA). And now I cannot keep my cool, as much as I want to, and I wanna listen to my therapist, and take some deep breaths before I unleash the MOM voice, I just simply cannot do it.
JACOB!!!!!!!!! What are you doing?? GOOD LORD......
And then I go into the youre being so rude everyone is sleeping etc etc etc. Then he complains that his belly is sore, I make him breakfast(the way Gma makes it with brown sugar, and milk) and he looks at it and says, I wanted Cheerios. WELL. I said, you can starve then if you don't want it. Theres starving children in Vanier for Gods Sake. He eats it.
We chat after I have calmed down, we both apologize to each other for being rude(mostly me for dropping a few adult words), and he hugs me and gets into his trusty minivan with his driver, and off he goes. Not ten mins goes by, but I realize, OH GOD NO. I forgot to put his medication into his bag for school. SON OF A!! MAN!!! So I call the school, let them know, get Leighton off to school, walk Aramis, and off I go.
I get to Jacob's school at 1015 hours, and I hear him yelling and screaming at his teacher "You can fuk off, and I hate you!! I will kill you!!! Youre a fuking b*&ch!!!!
And i have never heard my son say these words....ever. I can tell you I was steaming mad all over again, and then completely embarassed.
As I am walking up the hallway to see what is happening, Jacob comes running out of the room right into my legs. He stopped dead in his tracks with this "OH NO" look on his face. Miss Mandy, his teacher, said I'm so gald youre here. And all I can think about was LORD HELP ME.
So, after Jacob got into the minivan, he was rude to Jordan, another girl in his van, calling her names, swearing at her, and then it continued to school. He has another school friend, named Dante, who is an awful kid, and only hurts Jacob, both physically and bullies him, and gets him into trouble as well.
And then you have other kids in his class that make comments to him as he was getting into trouble, and Jacob decided to run by them, smack them both across the face, and called them M effers!!! Then he gets sent to the wall for a time out, and calls Miss Mandy an effing B-word. And then threatened to kill some kids in his class.
My face, after all of that........was covered in tears. Tears of frustration, tears of embarassment, tears of anger, tears of sadness, tears of shame. I guess all of it came out. I told Jacob, I couldn't believe that he would and could act like this, and I had finally witnessed all of it. It was not a good day. As much as I wanted to yell and scream at him, I just didn't have the energy for any of it anymore. I was so astonished and sad at the same time, and I had no real answers for it. I asked him so many times if he needed anything, what was he mad about what can I do to help him? And he kept the same expression on his face, a snarl look with flaring nostrils, and tears in his eyes. He then said he was so angry he wanted to punch my face in.
WHAT? Punch my face in????? I cried even harder. I told him that he broke my heart, and that I couldn't even begin to imagine why he would want to do that to me. I asked him why. He said Im mad, and you don't care. I explained that I was sorry that our life wasn't as great as he wanted it to be, with his father, becuase I know thats why hes really mad. His father is never around, and won't help. This kills Jacob, every day, he slowly fades away from me, and becomes even more distant and more distant about his feelings about his father. I said that I was sorry but that I was doing my best, I was working all kinds of overtime before just so we could pay for things and have fun together, and pay for sports. I said I was sorry that we had not a lot of support from family, but that we have important people in our lives that do care about us and love us like Auntie Bobbi and Uncle Keith, and Gel and Ash, and Ricardo and Avril, and my friends, and my co workers, and my extended family, and most importantly, Gma and Gpa, and your sister.
He still looked like he wanted to punch my lights out.
I told him, that I wasn't teaching him to hit anyone let alone girls or women, so that was to stop. I told him he could tell me at some point why he was so mad, maybe when he wasn't so mad.
And the snarling continued. I relented, said I love you, and disengaged my threat. I told him I would see him at home, and took my leave.
Nothing hurts worse then your son, who is sweet and kind and let you sleep in on Sunday until 0930 hours, and took care of the dog, and who is now looking at you like he wants to kill you in your sleep. I can't imagine anything hurts worse then this....
He came home from school, and was still angry, and wanted to be as far away from me as he possible could.
And all I thought about was, my heart was broken and in a million pieces at the bottom of my socks.
Momma Bear
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