I've been pretty busy lately, and haven't sat in front of the computer for a few weeks to write about how things are going with Jake and us.
Let me start with myself, last week I felt incredibly sad, like ugly crying sad. Like sobbing and felt completely and utterly alone sad. I let it out, cried a lot over a few days, and I had started to feel better. Thankfully after that spell, I had an appointment with my therapist, and we talked a lot about how I was feeling. Grief, grieving over a marraige I may never have, and a baby I may never have etc was all of the common themes that had come up. Thank God for my journal.
As for Jake, he's been doing pretty good. Partly because I had made sure to stop yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs to keep him quiet in the morning before school. I know right? Yelling to keep someone quiet?? Completely uselesss, espeically for my son.
We got to a point now where we are able to wake up for school each day and be okay with each other. Not like we are so evil to each other in the mornings but we weren't always good to each other. So, now I wake him up and give him a little more time in the morning to relax in bed and I still help him get dressed, it seems to help him tremendously. He is happier, I am better and more relaxed and things are running more smoothly here.
BUT. School? Yikes.
It still boogles my mind that after all of this time in school, and with people that are now trained to deal with my son, he is still in the fighting mode everyday. He comes home with this journal every day and its quite rare that we have a day where he didn't tell someone to eff off, or try to fight with the teachers, or punches another kid in the face or just hauls off and runs away. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle most days, and that I read the journal and one particular entry was that he ran by two kids and punched them in the faces. (Did I mention that with all of my medications and exercises and therapy is really helping with my freak outs and anxiety attacks??) I said "Why Jacob??" And I start crying. This day was harder then normal for some reason and the constant journaling and phone calls don't stop. They just get less and less, but only call for the big things(like punching the teacher in his man parts about a month ago). But, they still come. And when they do my heart skips a beat because jacob isn't always truthful, although he has figured out that I will find out everything, the curse of a nosy mother/police officer mother/trained investigator. He's doomed.
Jacob says "one kid said to the other kid, is he always this effing retarded?" Other kid replies back "yes, and he's stupid too." YES, kids are little adults sometimes and are frightfully ignorant and rude. I said "why not try to ignore them?" Jacob said "I wanted them to stop being mean to me."
And then.......the big tears, and the sobbing. Not from me, but from my little man who is so clearly exhausted and wanting to have friends so badly. And not being able to find friends that make "good choices" or are not "inappropriate".
"I just want to have friends, and they always want to be nice and then they are rude." I felt like it's like an abusive relationship that someone wants to leave but can't because they believe they need it! My poor little man. His heart hurts so badly because he wants to be included so much and can't do it. His go to move, is let's FIGHT. Fists are up, hes ready and he always challenges someone, be it the teacher, or another student. He's always ready for a fight. I never see this happening at home. I have never seen him raise his fists to me and ask to fight. It's like I have two different Jacob's, the one who is a sweetheart, and made my bed for me one week ago for a week, and the other one who is the aspiring MMA fighter ready to put his dukes up. I often wonder if its for a defensive motion, like if I push you away enough, then you have a reason not to like me, and then I can hate you, rather then just try to be nice and kind? It boggles me. Everytime. Every note comes home, he's aggressive, he's challenging, he's wanting to punch people in the face. And I look at my son, as hes laying on the floor with his new dog Aramis, and I wonder where does he even have room in that little brain to hate as much as he does at school?
Well. This past weekend, we took a trip to Watertown, for hockey with our Special Hockey Heroes team, and Jacob has been waiting for this all year. He was stoked, excited, jumpy, and ready to play. The bus was late, (we don't mention that to Coach Jeff, unless you wanna see his veins in his forehead come out), and Jacob took his stick from his bag and started playing with his stick, a pop can, and Alexandre one of his team mates. He and Alexandre did this for the entire time waiting for the bus to arrive. And finally it did. Jacob was excited to get on the Coaches bus as he calls it, aka a Coach bus, with the Watertown Wolves driver on board. All the way there, he was back and forth with his team mates, and I just let him go. This was the beginning of me observing how incredible my little man can be.
We got to Watertown, checked into our hotel, and right over to the rink, where the Wolves play. Jacob's eyes were so wide, I almost asked if he was in HD, sometimes he says that LOL. We got our stuff inside, and a minor meltdown happened only becuase he was so overwhelmed with the excitement of it all. Sometimes build ups to things are not the issue, its actually when we get to it. I finally calmed him down, as I was trying to get him and my daughter ready to play. Both of them were nervous, and I had some extra hugs saved up for them both.
Once they got onto the ice, it was just like a normal hockey day. Leighton had a good team mate from the Wolves, and giggled the entire time, and laughed so hard she farted she says! OH MY!
Jacob ended up mostly with a player named Kyllian. I watched Jacob and Kyllian, and I was only a bit nervous at how the guys would respond to our special group. We have kids that have all kinds of differences, and sometimes social anxiety is an aspect that even haunts my kids. I was hoping the entire time, please let them just treat them like any other kids playing hockey. And they did. My son was grinning ear to ear the entire time, and Kyllian was part of that result. I am always so thankful for opportunities with hockey and my kids because I see them both truly flourish and love everything. Even if they are super tired, they are ready to play and skate hard. This day for Jacob(and my daughter) was unforgettable. Jacob got done playing and Kyllian came into the locker room with him, and started helping him with his gear. I could hear the two of them joking and laughing, and being typical hockey brothers, and it made me wanna cry. I know, I am a softy sometimes, especially when it comes to my son. Kyllian told Jacob that he had to go, and Jacob asked for a picture, and a hug. Kyllian gave him a nice long one, and begged him to promise he would see him later. Kyllian promised, and off he went. Jacob was beside himself with excitment. "Momma? Did you see that? He was a real hockey player! He was so good, he was so fast...I wonder what he ate for breakfest?" Clearly I wish I had the answers but I told him that he probably ate some sort of good stuff to give him some energy. A typical Mom answer.
Later on that evening, we went to Maggies, a restaurant in Watertown, to have dinner with the players. And there was Kyllian and Jacob, hanging out, playing on his phone, and chatting, and eating together. It was AWESOME. I watched my son, not freak out, have a good time, and buzzed around the room hanging with his new heroes, and laughing and giggling all the time. My heart just melted. I thought about how this moment would impact not only my son, but Kyllian as well.
We came back from that trip, tired and exhausted but thankful for the fun times.
And then it was back to reality. And Tuesday came.......and yet another whammy......
A girl in Jacob's van, let's call her Girl, always wants him to sit with her. She's 12 and my son is 7. At the end of Tuesday I got a phone call from the school saying that "Jacob was in the rear of the minivan, with Girl, and he exposed himself to her."
SILENCE.
Um, Hello? said the teacher.
ME: Are you sure?
Uh, yes. said the teacher.
SILENCE. This is me trying not to lose my mind........breathe Nicole breathe.
I look at Jacob, who is quietly playing on the floor with his trusty Legos.
"Jacob, did you show your penis to Girl?"
This excudes a weird look from my son, and he replies "UH, no Momma, ewww."
I get more details of the incident, and hang up the phone. And instead of yelling or scolding I talked to my son. I asked him point blank. Did you do this? Answer constistantly was NO. And then he started to cry. I asked him whats wrong? He said "you don't believe me Momma, and that hurts me."
And thats when I knew, the Girl was a LIAR. And then Momma Bear mode came out. But I sat on the incident for a few days before I acted, for the safety of this Girl and my sanity.
Jacob then told me that this Girl constantly promises him things like candy, toys, and a knife.
WAIT, WHAT???? A knife?????
What the H E double hockey sticks do you need knife for at school?
His reply? "I don't she told me she would bring me one so I could have it."
Momma Bear, I repeat Momma Bear, breathe, don't respond right now, do some tactical breathing.
So, I went into the school today, and spoke to the teacher about it. I told her that my son didn't do what this Girl said he did, and repeated the knife incident, and her eyes got wide(YEP, bad news Girl), and promptly asked for Jacob to be moved to another minivan so that he isn't with Girl and the other Satan's child.
But I won't forget the look on his face when he thought I didn't believe him, it crushed my heart. Instead I told my son, a boy who cries wolf more often then not, that I finally believed him and that Momma Bear took care of things.
As for the new hockey hero, Jacob requested that we follow him on Twitter. Of course I had to oblige.
Momma Bear
Let me start with myself, last week I felt incredibly sad, like ugly crying sad. Like sobbing and felt completely and utterly alone sad. I let it out, cried a lot over a few days, and I had started to feel better. Thankfully after that spell, I had an appointment with my therapist, and we talked a lot about how I was feeling. Grief, grieving over a marraige I may never have, and a baby I may never have etc was all of the common themes that had come up. Thank God for my journal.
As for Jake, he's been doing pretty good. Partly because I had made sure to stop yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs to keep him quiet in the morning before school. I know right? Yelling to keep someone quiet?? Completely uselesss, espeically for my son.
We got to a point now where we are able to wake up for school each day and be okay with each other. Not like we are so evil to each other in the mornings but we weren't always good to each other. So, now I wake him up and give him a little more time in the morning to relax in bed and I still help him get dressed, it seems to help him tremendously. He is happier, I am better and more relaxed and things are running more smoothly here.
BUT. School? Yikes.
It still boogles my mind that after all of this time in school, and with people that are now trained to deal with my son, he is still in the fighting mode everyday. He comes home with this journal every day and its quite rare that we have a day where he didn't tell someone to eff off, or try to fight with the teachers, or punches another kid in the face or just hauls off and runs away. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle most days, and that I read the journal and one particular entry was that he ran by two kids and punched them in the faces. (Did I mention that with all of my medications and exercises and therapy is really helping with my freak outs and anxiety attacks??) I said "Why Jacob??" And I start crying. This day was harder then normal for some reason and the constant journaling and phone calls don't stop. They just get less and less, but only call for the big things(like punching the teacher in his man parts about a month ago). But, they still come. And when they do my heart skips a beat because jacob isn't always truthful, although he has figured out that I will find out everything, the curse of a nosy mother/police officer mother/trained investigator. He's doomed.
Jacob says "one kid said to the other kid, is he always this effing retarded?" Other kid replies back "yes, and he's stupid too." YES, kids are little adults sometimes and are frightfully ignorant and rude. I said "why not try to ignore them?" Jacob said "I wanted them to stop being mean to me."
And then.......the big tears, and the sobbing. Not from me, but from my little man who is so clearly exhausted and wanting to have friends so badly. And not being able to find friends that make "good choices" or are not "inappropriate".
"I just want to have friends, and they always want to be nice and then they are rude." I felt like it's like an abusive relationship that someone wants to leave but can't because they believe they need it! My poor little man. His heart hurts so badly because he wants to be included so much and can't do it. His go to move, is let's FIGHT. Fists are up, hes ready and he always challenges someone, be it the teacher, or another student. He's always ready for a fight. I never see this happening at home. I have never seen him raise his fists to me and ask to fight. It's like I have two different Jacob's, the one who is a sweetheart, and made my bed for me one week ago for a week, and the other one who is the aspiring MMA fighter ready to put his dukes up. I often wonder if its for a defensive motion, like if I push you away enough, then you have a reason not to like me, and then I can hate you, rather then just try to be nice and kind? It boggles me. Everytime. Every note comes home, he's aggressive, he's challenging, he's wanting to punch people in the face. And I look at my son, as hes laying on the floor with his new dog Aramis, and I wonder where does he even have room in that little brain to hate as much as he does at school?
Well. This past weekend, we took a trip to Watertown, for hockey with our Special Hockey Heroes team, and Jacob has been waiting for this all year. He was stoked, excited, jumpy, and ready to play. The bus was late, (we don't mention that to Coach Jeff, unless you wanna see his veins in his forehead come out), and Jacob took his stick from his bag and started playing with his stick, a pop can, and Alexandre one of his team mates. He and Alexandre did this for the entire time waiting for the bus to arrive. And finally it did. Jacob was excited to get on the Coaches bus as he calls it, aka a Coach bus, with the Watertown Wolves driver on board. All the way there, he was back and forth with his team mates, and I just let him go. This was the beginning of me observing how incredible my little man can be.
We got to Watertown, checked into our hotel, and right over to the rink, where the Wolves play. Jacob's eyes were so wide, I almost asked if he was in HD, sometimes he says that LOL. We got our stuff inside, and a minor meltdown happened only becuase he was so overwhelmed with the excitement of it all. Sometimes build ups to things are not the issue, its actually when we get to it. I finally calmed him down, as I was trying to get him and my daughter ready to play. Both of them were nervous, and I had some extra hugs saved up for them both.
Once they got onto the ice, it was just like a normal hockey day. Leighton had a good team mate from the Wolves, and giggled the entire time, and laughed so hard she farted she says! OH MY!
Jacob ended up mostly with a player named Kyllian. I watched Jacob and Kyllian, and I was only a bit nervous at how the guys would respond to our special group. We have kids that have all kinds of differences, and sometimes social anxiety is an aspect that even haunts my kids. I was hoping the entire time, please let them just treat them like any other kids playing hockey. And they did. My son was grinning ear to ear the entire time, and Kyllian was part of that result. I am always so thankful for opportunities with hockey and my kids because I see them both truly flourish and love everything. Even if they are super tired, they are ready to play and skate hard. This day for Jacob(and my daughter) was unforgettable. Jacob got done playing and Kyllian came into the locker room with him, and started helping him with his gear. I could hear the two of them joking and laughing, and being typical hockey brothers, and it made me wanna cry. I know, I am a softy sometimes, especially when it comes to my son. Kyllian told Jacob that he had to go, and Jacob asked for a picture, and a hug. Kyllian gave him a nice long one, and begged him to promise he would see him later. Kyllian promised, and off he went. Jacob was beside himself with excitment. "Momma? Did you see that? He was a real hockey player! He was so good, he was so fast...I wonder what he ate for breakfest?" Clearly I wish I had the answers but I told him that he probably ate some sort of good stuff to give him some energy. A typical Mom answer.
Later on that evening, we went to Maggies, a restaurant in Watertown, to have dinner with the players. And there was Kyllian and Jacob, hanging out, playing on his phone, and chatting, and eating together. It was AWESOME. I watched my son, not freak out, have a good time, and buzzed around the room hanging with his new heroes, and laughing and giggling all the time. My heart just melted. I thought about how this moment would impact not only my son, but Kyllian as well.
We came back from that trip, tired and exhausted but thankful for the fun times.
And then it was back to reality. And Tuesday came.......and yet another whammy......
A girl in Jacob's van, let's call her Girl, always wants him to sit with her. She's 12 and my son is 7. At the end of Tuesday I got a phone call from the school saying that "Jacob was in the rear of the minivan, with Girl, and he exposed himself to her."
SILENCE.
Um, Hello? said the teacher.
ME: Are you sure?
Uh, yes. said the teacher.
SILENCE. This is me trying not to lose my mind........breathe Nicole breathe.
I look at Jacob, who is quietly playing on the floor with his trusty Legos.
"Jacob, did you show your penis to Girl?"
This excudes a weird look from my son, and he replies "UH, no Momma, ewww."
I get more details of the incident, and hang up the phone. And instead of yelling or scolding I talked to my son. I asked him point blank. Did you do this? Answer constistantly was NO. And then he started to cry. I asked him whats wrong? He said "you don't believe me Momma, and that hurts me."
And thats when I knew, the Girl was a LIAR. And then Momma Bear mode came out. But I sat on the incident for a few days before I acted, for the safety of this Girl and my sanity.
Jacob then told me that this Girl constantly promises him things like candy, toys, and a knife.
WAIT, WHAT???? A knife?????
What the H E double hockey sticks do you need knife for at school?
His reply? "I don't she told me she would bring me one so I could have it."
Momma Bear, I repeat Momma Bear, breathe, don't respond right now, do some tactical breathing.
So, I went into the school today, and spoke to the teacher about it. I told her that my son didn't do what this Girl said he did, and repeated the knife incident, and her eyes got wide(YEP, bad news Girl), and promptly asked for Jacob to be moved to another minivan so that he isn't with Girl and the other Satan's child.
But I won't forget the look on his face when he thought I didn't believe him, it crushed my heart. Instead I told my son, a boy who cries wolf more often then not, that I finally believed him and that Momma Bear took care of things.
As for the new hockey hero, Jacob requested that we follow him on Twitter. Of course I had to oblige.
Momma Bear
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