0700 hrs - Woke up, growled at the alarm, thinking why do I have to get up now??
0702 hours - Remembered that today was the day of Jakes first day of his newschool..got up, dressed and went to see if he was awake.
0706 hours - Opened his door...alas he is awake! And says Momma? I'm ready for school.
I have never seen my son happier when he woke up. I wasn't sure if it was my feelings emanating from me, or if he was just happy becuase today was the day of a new beginning. So, we got ready. And then waited for his ride.
0800 hours - woke up Leighton, she gets in the shower.
Still waiting for the minivan to come and get him. I'm anxious but trying to be calm, and Jake is sitting on the couch playing in his iPad.
0845 hours - still no minivan, at this point I have resigned to the fact that she's not coming and it might be better if I do take him to his new school for his first day.
We leave, and I think I've probably asked him a million times if he was ok. He keeps smiling at me, and says I'm ok Momma, are you sure you're ok? I had to laugh. I always say that to him. We drive across town, in the nasty weather, but hey, who are we kidding. I am a NASCAR professional, in this slippery weather. Before we get to the school, they call looking for us. I tell the teacher that we are on our way, and that the minivan missed my son's pick up. But, not a problem. It's all good!
Jake and I got to the school, and one last are you ok? With Jake's response being, Momma are you going to cry? I knew I wouldn't, but deep down inside, I am tired. And how could I ever tell my son that I was tired of changing schools, and moving. I want my roots to be laid down, and feel like I belong, like I am settled. Tired of trying different things to help my son, and sometimes it never seems to work. Somedays, I wake up, and just accept that any day will be the day that he chases another kid in the class with a pair of scissors again, and I will have to accept it, yet again. That he's scared someone, and that I never see that scariness at home. I am tired, of trying all of these new things, constantly and feeling like is this the one time that it finally works? OH, NO? Ok, on to the next option we have. I am afraid that someday I will run out of options, and where will my son be then? Where will we be? I have finally come to the front door of the school, and funny enough I am still thinking of being positive and to stop listening to my detective side of my brain. ENOUGH! I wanna yell. SHHHHHH. I push the button to the intercom. A voice crackles, "Cmon in!" we go in.....
I see jackets and boots and shoes all strewn across the hallway, and a dimly lit classroom, with gently singing and kids giggling. I thought man, I want that night light for Jake's room, he will love that! It was stars and moons dancing on the ceiling, since he's taking a liking to the Moon lately. And tells me all about it all the time. He's quite imaginative. We keep walking, the second door says CHEO, IN SESSION, and we get to the third door. A guy, my age, opens it and says "Hellllllooo Jacob!" and immediately Jake smiles. That was the first time that has ever happend. With a complete and total stranger. He smiled. Anyone who knows my son, gets a smile from him, becuase they know him, and laugh and joke and giggle with him. But when he meets new people, he tends to have what I call the "stone face". No emotion. No smiling. No nothing. Jake smiles again, and Rob(the new red shirt guy) tells Jake its ok, we are happy you are here, cmon in! Take your boots off! And smiles at me, and says Hi, Mom, we'll be ok from here, I promise you.
"We'll be ok, I promise you." I gasped........and must've had a look of confusion on my face.
I have never heard that before from anyone when they deal with my son, to be ok, to be promised that he'll be ok. I just about burst into tears from there. I kept it together, and made the arrangments for the minivan to bring him home, and left.
I drove around for a while, and stopped at a McDonalds, and walked in and grabbed a coffee. I sat in the lobby for about an hour and a half. At one point I thought the Elders in the lobby would want to fight me because maybe I was sitting in the their seats, near the fireplace, but I smiled at them and they didn't look like they wanted to kill me anymore, so I figured I was good for a bit. It was at that moment, I felt calm. Like I had a huge burden lifted from my shoulders, like I was actually going to be ok, and so was Jake. All of those phone calls, and meetings, and struggles weren't going to stop, but from now on we may get more positive ones, and he'll come home and say, I actually like my new school. I sipped my coffee, and watched the people around me, construction guys bustling around and grabbing their stuff to go, the Elders reading the newspapers or chatting quietly, the McDonalds worker cleaning up, and laughing at me when I subconsciously raised my feet so he could mop under them, and said "Your Mom mustve taught you well," and laughed to himself as he walked away. It was peace. Despite the goings on, it was and felt like peace. Was this what its like to feel balanced, when your child is finally ok? I haven't ever known that feeling since the day I adopted my son. Turmoil, a failed marriage, Divorce, a family separating, moving, moving and moving again, working OT for private school funds and the list goes on. Was this finally it? Where everything is finally settling? I enjoyed the peace and quiet around me, visited a friend and got a loving hug and laughs, and then went home to wait for Jake's arrival.
1530 hours - Jake's minivan pulls up, and I go and meet the driver, a nice woman who says, He's so quiet! and polite. (Thank God, for being strict about manners).
I help Jake out of the minivan, and he turns to the driver, and says, "Thank you miss, I'll see you tomorrow!" She laughs and tells me to be ready for 0800 hours. We wave bye, and go inside.
Jake goes on and on about playing hockey, but no slapshots Momma, not allowed. And how he knows someone else in the school, and how he was glad that his day was shorter, and that he got his medication, and he was riding in the minivan with a new friend from his class, and how he enjoyed his new school. I asked him, was there anything about it you didn't like?
"No. Do I have to get up at 7 again?"
"Yes, son, you do."
"That's ok Momma, I want to. It's a good school."
Sigh. and this is called RELIEF.
Momma Bear
0702 hours - Remembered that today was the day of Jakes first day of his newschool..got up, dressed and went to see if he was awake.
0706 hours - Opened his door...alas he is awake! And says Momma? I'm ready for school.
I have never seen my son happier when he woke up. I wasn't sure if it was my feelings emanating from me, or if he was just happy becuase today was the day of a new beginning. So, we got ready. And then waited for his ride.
0800 hours - woke up Leighton, she gets in the shower.
Still waiting for the minivan to come and get him. I'm anxious but trying to be calm, and Jake is sitting on the couch playing in his iPad.
0845 hours - still no minivan, at this point I have resigned to the fact that she's not coming and it might be better if I do take him to his new school for his first day.
We leave, and I think I've probably asked him a million times if he was ok. He keeps smiling at me, and says I'm ok Momma, are you sure you're ok? I had to laugh. I always say that to him. We drive across town, in the nasty weather, but hey, who are we kidding. I am a NASCAR professional, in this slippery weather. Before we get to the school, they call looking for us. I tell the teacher that we are on our way, and that the minivan missed my son's pick up. But, not a problem. It's all good!
Jake and I got to the school, and one last are you ok? With Jake's response being, Momma are you going to cry? I knew I wouldn't, but deep down inside, I am tired. And how could I ever tell my son that I was tired of changing schools, and moving. I want my roots to be laid down, and feel like I belong, like I am settled. Tired of trying different things to help my son, and sometimes it never seems to work. Somedays, I wake up, and just accept that any day will be the day that he chases another kid in the class with a pair of scissors again, and I will have to accept it, yet again. That he's scared someone, and that I never see that scariness at home. I am tired, of trying all of these new things, constantly and feeling like is this the one time that it finally works? OH, NO? Ok, on to the next option we have. I am afraid that someday I will run out of options, and where will my son be then? Where will we be? I have finally come to the front door of the school, and funny enough I am still thinking of being positive and to stop listening to my detective side of my brain. ENOUGH! I wanna yell. SHHHHHH. I push the button to the intercom. A voice crackles, "Cmon in!" we go in.....
I see jackets and boots and shoes all strewn across the hallway, and a dimly lit classroom, with gently singing and kids giggling. I thought man, I want that night light for Jake's room, he will love that! It was stars and moons dancing on the ceiling, since he's taking a liking to the Moon lately. And tells me all about it all the time. He's quite imaginative. We keep walking, the second door says CHEO, IN SESSION, and we get to the third door. A guy, my age, opens it and says "Hellllllooo Jacob!" and immediately Jake smiles. That was the first time that has ever happend. With a complete and total stranger. He smiled. Anyone who knows my son, gets a smile from him, becuase they know him, and laugh and joke and giggle with him. But when he meets new people, he tends to have what I call the "stone face". No emotion. No smiling. No nothing. Jake smiles again, and Rob(the new red shirt guy) tells Jake its ok, we are happy you are here, cmon in! Take your boots off! And smiles at me, and says Hi, Mom, we'll be ok from here, I promise you.
"We'll be ok, I promise you." I gasped........and must've had a look of confusion on my face.
I have never heard that before from anyone when they deal with my son, to be ok, to be promised that he'll be ok. I just about burst into tears from there. I kept it together, and made the arrangments for the minivan to bring him home, and left.
I drove around for a while, and stopped at a McDonalds, and walked in and grabbed a coffee. I sat in the lobby for about an hour and a half. At one point I thought the Elders in the lobby would want to fight me because maybe I was sitting in the their seats, near the fireplace, but I smiled at them and they didn't look like they wanted to kill me anymore, so I figured I was good for a bit. It was at that moment, I felt calm. Like I had a huge burden lifted from my shoulders, like I was actually going to be ok, and so was Jake. All of those phone calls, and meetings, and struggles weren't going to stop, but from now on we may get more positive ones, and he'll come home and say, I actually like my new school. I sipped my coffee, and watched the people around me, construction guys bustling around and grabbing their stuff to go, the Elders reading the newspapers or chatting quietly, the McDonalds worker cleaning up, and laughing at me when I subconsciously raised my feet so he could mop under them, and said "Your Mom mustve taught you well," and laughed to himself as he walked away. It was peace. Despite the goings on, it was and felt like peace. Was this what its like to feel balanced, when your child is finally ok? I haven't ever known that feeling since the day I adopted my son. Turmoil, a failed marriage, Divorce, a family separating, moving, moving and moving again, working OT for private school funds and the list goes on. Was this finally it? Where everything is finally settling? I enjoyed the peace and quiet around me, visited a friend and got a loving hug and laughs, and then went home to wait for Jake's arrival.
1530 hours - Jake's minivan pulls up, and I go and meet the driver, a nice woman who says, He's so quiet! and polite. (Thank God, for being strict about manners).
I help Jake out of the minivan, and he turns to the driver, and says, "Thank you miss, I'll see you tomorrow!" She laughs and tells me to be ready for 0800 hours. We wave bye, and go inside.
Jake goes on and on about playing hockey, but no slapshots Momma, not allowed. And how he knows someone else in the school, and how he was glad that his day was shorter, and that he got his medication, and he was riding in the minivan with a new friend from his class, and how he enjoyed his new school. I asked him, was there anything about it you didn't like?
"No. Do I have to get up at 7 again?"
"Yes, son, you do."
"That's ok Momma, I want to. It's a good school."
Sigh. and this is called RELIEF.
Momma Bear
Comments
Post a Comment