This past few days were a bit hard for my son. He seemed to be settling in, since I have been home far more often and he has been sleeping in his own bed and we have a really good routine.
But Tuesday came, and WHAM. It was a rough day all around.
I went in and signed the papers for Jake to go to his day treatment program. So, we discused everything on there. And it was pain staking. I had always known that my son says and does things that alarm the normal person, but to the teachers at his school, they know that he for some reason, acts out and says awful things, and they know how to diffuse it. That's great right? Of course it is, and I commend them all the time for their love and patience.
BUT.
Through the entire process of signing these documents about Jake and the program, the final paragraph came to me. It said, "Jacob's mother is off of work due to the mental and emotional stress of her son, and the constant phone calls every day from the school about Jake's outbursts. She is unable to perform her duties as a police officer, and finds it difficult to deal with Jake and the issues he has with the school."
I read it, and I read it again. Hell, I read it over several times. And then it hit me like a damn Mack truck. I WAS unable to be at work and concentrate. Most of it had to do with my son, there are other things, but the majority of the stress as of this moment is my son. I was not able to go to calls and help anyone else affectively due to my head being where my son was. I sat with that thought circulating through my brain, and I cried. I got choked up and couldn't speak for a few moments. The Social Worker apologized to me and said I wanted to be truthful. I waved it off, and said I know, I've never seen those words in black and white, or said them out loud. But since three years ago, I have not been 100% myself. I have secretly, without even knowing it, been losing my sense of self, courage, and strength slowly and surely since the first few times a school had called me, wanting to send my son home, and then sitting him in a room with a coloring book, and telling me to hurry up because he was out of control.
GOD DAMN IT........what the hell do these teachers think I am, GOD DAMN WONDERWOMAN!!???
But these words. Right there, in front of me like a lie that won't go away.....are so true. I am no different as a parent then I am as an officer. I am the same person, I cry in my cruiser when someone dies, and I burn some tobacco to make sure the spirit doesn't follow me home. I hug my platoon mates, and tell them I love them, because I truly do. I am happy to see them, even if they are crusty and angry about something. Because I care. But as much as I care, I was hurting too. Feeling completely alone with the ADHD/Autistic son, that no one understands except for me. People ask me, why doesn't your son wear jeans? He's always in jogging pants. Jake HATES jeans. "Momma? I don't like the feel of them, please can we take them off?" He would ask. They are prickly one day, and stiff the next. He doesn't like them, that's it. And he's particular. That's it. All of these things are on my mind, when I drive to work, when I gear up, when I posse up, and roll out in my cruiser, and go to my first call of the night. No jeans, Momma, just joggers please, is what he says.
Yet, reading that gave me peace. It gave me finality. Like a big ole sigh of relief. It's finally out to the right people, and I am optimisitic that they will help my son. And help figure out why he can't stand school. Jake gets mad, he blows up. And then realizes what he said. It happened a few days later right at the end of the school day, he came out of the school with his teacher, and completely avoided me. I could tell something was up, and the teacher told him to tell me what he had done. It took him 7 minutes to actually say the truth, and another few minutes to actually say what he had said to a girl in his class. Jake said that she told him to stop it, so he ramped it up to the next level and told her to shut up, and then said that he would kill her.
UMMM. WTF? Kill her? I said. "Do you have a plan? screeched the police officer side of me. "No, I was mad." he said.
I was furious. And then stood up, and caught a glance at the other teacher, and she said, " He admitted it and took ownership."
I stopped for one second, and realized that she was totally right. It took some time, but he actually said what he had said, and WHY!!! Finally. He never does that. I blew out my steam, stood up again, and told him we are walking home now, and thanked the teachers. On the walk home, I asked him why he says such horrible things to people. He answers, I get mad. I'm sorry Momma, I know I can't control it. And it was at that moment, I could finally see through his eyes for a moment, be it all very brief, but he gets mad like the rest of us. Even thought we can somewhat control our anger, he cannot still. When we got home he said that he would apologize the next day to her, and even said to me what he would say. I have to tell you, Jake was very kind with his words and I know he sincerly meant it.
So, today, when we went to the Grocery Store, I let up just a bit more. Instead of telling him to be right near me, I let him wander. Not too far but just enough. And he wandered over to the young guy in the veggie section, asked him to water the veggies, and he let him do it. I could tell the young guy had a severe stutter, and had a hard time talking, but spoke to Jake with such kindness and compassion, and giggled at how exciting it was to watch someone else spray the veggies with such glow. I had asked him where the avocados were, and he walked me over to them and said here they are, I thanked him and he went right back over to Jake, and directed him to all of the veggies. Most kids would not be interested in that, but between these two kids from another dimension, they laughed, and Jake asked questions, and he answered every single one. I got quite teary eyed, and my daughter hugged me and said Momma, does he have a hard time talking? I said yeah, he does. She said, its good that he has a job and talks to people right?
And the more time I spend with my two little people, the nasty, crusty, angry and aggressive Nikki, just seems to melt away like butter, and the softer more compassionate loving side comes out.
Momma Bear
But Tuesday came, and WHAM. It was a rough day all around.
I went in and signed the papers for Jake to go to his day treatment program. So, we discused everything on there. And it was pain staking. I had always known that my son says and does things that alarm the normal person, but to the teachers at his school, they know that he for some reason, acts out and says awful things, and they know how to diffuse it. That's great right? Of course it is, and I commend them all the time for their love and patience.
BUT.
Through the entire process of signing these documents about Jake and the program, the final paragraph came to me. It said, "Jacob's mother is off of work due to the mental and emotional stress of her son, and the constant phone calls every day from the school about Jake's outbursts. She is unable to perform her duties as a police officer, and finds it difficult to deal with Jake and the issues he has with the school."
I read it, and I read it again. Hell, I read it over several times. And then it hit me like a damn Mack truck. I WAS unable to be at work and concentrate. Most of it had to do with my son, there are other things, but the majority of the stress as of this moment is my son. I was not able to go to calls and help anyone else affectively due to my head being where my son was. I sat with that thought circulating through my brain, and I cried. I got choked up and couldn't speak for a few moments. The Social Worker apologized to me and said I wanted to be truthful. I waved it off, and said I know, I've never seen those words in black and white, or said them out loud. But since three years ago, I have not been 100% myself. I have secretly, without even knowing it, been losing my sense of self, courage, and strength slowly and surely since the first few times a school had called me, wanting to send my son home, and then sitting him in a room with a coloring book, and telling me to hurry up because he was out of control.
GOD DAMN IT........what the hell do these teachers think I am, GOD DAMN WONDERWOMAN!!???
But these words. Right there, in front of me like a lie that won't go away.....are so true. I am no different as a parent then I am as an officer. I am the same person, I cry in my cruiser when someone dies, and I burn some tobacco to make sure the spirit doesn't follow me home. I hug my platoon mates, and tell them I love them, because I truly do. I am happy to see them, even if they are crusty and angry about something. Because I care. But as much as I care, I was hurting too. Feeling completely alone with the ADHD/Autistic son, that no one understands except for me. People ask me, why doesn't your son wear jeans? He's always in jogging pants. Jake HATES jeans. "Momma? I don't like the feel of them, please can we take them off?" He would ask. They are prickly one day, and stiff the next. He doesn't like them, that's it. And he's particular. That's it. All of these things are on my mind, when I drive to work, when I gear up, when I posse up, and roll out in my cruiser, and go to my first call of the night. No jeans, Momma, just joggers please, is what he says.
Yet, reading that gave me peace. It gave me finality. Like a big ole sigh of relief. It's finally out to the right people, and I am optimisitic that they will help my son. And help figure out why he can't stand school. Jake gets mad, he blows up. And then realizes what he said. It happened a few days later right at the end of the school day, he came out of the school with his teacher, and completely avoided me. I could tell something was up, and the teacher told him to tell me what he had done. It took him 7 minutes to actually say the truth, and another few minutes to actually say what he had said to a girl in his class. Jake said that she told him to stop it, so he ramped it up to the next level and told her to shut up, and then said that he would kill her.
UMMM. WTF? Kill her? I said. "Do you have a plan? screeched the police officer side of me. "No, I was mad." he said.
I was furious. And then stood up, and caught a glance at the other teacher, and she said, " He admitted it and took ownership."
I stopped for one second, and realized that she was totally right. It took some time, but he actually said what he had said, and WHY!!! Finally. He never does that. I blew out my steam, stood up again, and told him we are walking home now, and thanked the teachers. On the walk home, I asked him why he says such horrible things to people. He answers, I get mad. I'm sorry Momma, I know I can't control it. And it was at that moment, I could finally see through his eyes for a moment, be it all very brief, but he gets mad like the rest of us. Even thought we can somewhat control our anger, he cannot still. When we got home he said that he would apologize the next day to her, and even said to me what he would say. I have to tell you, Jake was very kind with his words and I know he sincerly meant it.
So, today, when we went to the Grocery Store, I let up just a bit more. Instead of telling him to be right near me, I let him wander. Not too far but just enough. And he wandered over to the young guy in the veggie section, asked him to water the veggies, and he let him do it. I could tell the young guy had a severe stutter, and had a hard time talking, but spoke to Jake with such kindness and compassion, and giggled at how exciting it was to watch someone else spray the veggies with such glow. I had asked him where the avocados were, and he walked me over to them and said here they are, I thanked him and he went right back over to Jake, and directed him to all of the veggies. Most kids would not be interested in that, but between these two kids from another dimension, they laughed, and Jake asked questions, and he answered every single one. I got quite teary eyed, and my daughter hugged me and said Momma, does he have a hard time talking? I said yeah, he does. She said, its good that he has a job and talks to people right?
And the more time I spend with my two little people, the nasty, crusty, angry and aggressive Nikki, just seems to melt away like butter, and the softer more compassionate loving side comes out.
Momma Bear
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