I had my reservations about the day treatment program.....I did. I can't be more honest then that.
The phone call for the presentation came on the 8th and then the voicemail said, we have a time slot, for December 12th in the afternoon. Since I have no nanny, my option was to bring both of my kids, and have them play on their ipads while I sat in the presentation with the rest of the people that were going to be there.
Monday came, and all day I thought about what I was going to say. All day, and usually for me thats not that hard but when it comes to my son, I didn't want it to sound like he was such a hopeless case to get better, but that we did also need the help that was being offered. Believe me I am quite fortunate for the help and assisatance that I have been offered. And being away from work helps me focus on my son. So far we haven't had any meltdowns in a week or so at home, which is really good. I've been quite happy with that and I can tell that my son is way more focused and relaxed since Momma Bear is as well.
We drove to the presentation, and Jake asked where we were going and why I had to pick them up from school so early. I told him we were going to make a presentation about his possible new school. He said "oh, ok" and continued to look out the window.
"Momma? will I make friends finally? Will anyone be afraid of me? Can I have friends over that I make at my new school?"
That loud crashing you hear through the computer is actually my heart breaking......into a million, gazillion, quadrapillion MEGALLION pieces. Yep. Broken heart everytime my son asks me if he can have friends come over, and when I know he doesn't have many. He has kids say hi and hey Jacob, but never comes home with any pieces of paper saying please call me and Jacob can come over. Not one phone call, not one friend. It hurts. And I know it hurts my son as well.
We got to the presentation, and the Social worker and the Principal and another EA teacher was there. And at 3 pm, it was our time.
The Social Worker, is such a lovely man, but I can tell that he has a hard time speaking in front of people. Poor guy his hands were shaking the entire time, and all I could think about was hearing my Momma in the background "you can do this. It's right. It's time. You are the Momma Bear, and you fight for your cubs. You die for them, and we love you and we are very proud of you." At that moment I knew, I was going to say something about the situation that my little family was in. He spoke, the EA Teacher spoke, and even though all of the things they spoke about I had already known...it was still hardto hear my kind and loving son have episodes of harming himself, teling others that he can do what he wanted to his body, and that he would jam thumb tacks so far into his thumbs it would make him bleed. The broken heart I had already sustained in the car, picked up, and placed in my pocket to be repaired at a later date, was now crumbling into dust like a mummified heart that would never make it through the Gates of Hell or Heaven combined. GAWD. Why Jake? my poor son. What dimension does he live in? and how the hell do I get there????
And then. It was Momma Bear's turn, my turn to impresss upon the five professionals that sat on the other side of the table smiling and nodding at me, encouraging me to share my experiences, in about five minutes or less.
I started. Everything the school said was totally true. I had struggled with my son, and had him in private school last year and that was the time that he was the best. But, I didn't have the money to continue to provide that amazing schooling for him. And he lost his one and only friend from that school(heart is no longer even dust...its small specks of matter in my down filled winter jacket now).
I told them that Jake is loving and compassionate, and kind. When I am sick he caters to me like a good man would. And that I am blessed to have him and my daughter, as they have changed me for the better. *Believe me, had you all known me years ago, you wouldn't have wanted to be my friend*
My son, is a smart and talented little man, and he has issues at school only. I tell people about his meltdowns, and they cannot believe that he is the same kid. They gasp for air and say OMG! no way! Jake? he's so sweet!
Yeah, I know.....
And I stated the truth, that for the past four years it has really only been me, him and my daughter. Their father has not really been a part of his life, or our life, and I know that makes my son angry all the time. He cries for his dogs that he used to havee, and asks for Harley our German Shepherd all the time. (heart is nothing now) Which in turn makes Jake most difficut school and that he cannot follow the rules at all. Or refuses too. I pleaded with them and said that I've taken a leave of absence from work because I couldn't stop thinking about my son, or the phone calls I would receive everytime he ran away from school, and that one of the times he needed to be picked up from school, I was literally standing over a deceased person, at a call, and I couldn't leave and I had to call my then nanny to go and get him. It was awful. I did my job that day, but not without thinking about how awful Jake was feeling.
That was it. I said it all. And said that I couldn't do my job as a police officer right now as my mother duties had far outweighed my career duties. I was no good to my partners on the road, let alone the City of Ottawa, let alone my family. And there it was. Outloud. Again for the third time, out of my mouth came the truth. That my son and my daughter still have preceidence over my job all the time, and I didn't feel any shame for that. They thanked us, I grabbed the kids, and we all walked out. The Social Worker and the Teachers patted me on the back, and said, "you got him in, we just know it."
Tuesday came and went, Wednesday came and went. Thursday came....
A voice mail and an email came in.
All I had to read was the first line; "Hi Nicole, I have good news, Jacob has been accepted into Steps to Success......."
I was home alone, and squealed so loud my blind cat ran away so fast! I had prayed for the phone call, and I wrote the Social Worker back and thanked him for his hard work.
Jake came home from school that day, and I told him that he got accepted to the program, and all he wanted to know was 1) do I get my own minivan to drive me? and 2) will I make friends Momma?
and last but not least 3) are the kids like me?
We hugged and I said of course yes to every question, and he said OK! and ran out the door to play outside with some kids on the street.
The dusty heart that was in my pocket has since returned to a more fuller form, and continues to be filled with hope and promise for my son with each passing day.
A new routine will make him more stable.
Momma Bear
The phone call for the presentation came on the 8th and then the voicemail said, we have a time slot, for December 12th in the afternoon. Since I have no nanny, my option was to bring both of my kids, and have them play on their ipads while I sat in the presentation with the rest of the people that were going to be there.
Monday came, and all day I thought about what I was going to say. All day, and usually for me thats not that hard but when it comes to my son, I didn't want it to sound like he was such a hopeless case to get better, but that we did also need the help that was being offered. Believe me I am quite fortunate for the help and assisatance that I have been offered. And being away from work helps me focus on my son. So far we haven't had any meltdowns in a week or so at home, which is really good. I've been quite happy with that and I can tell that my son is way more focused and relaxed since Momma Bear is as well.
We drove to the presentation, and Jake asked where we were going and why I had to pick them up from school so early. I told him we were going to make a presentation about his possible new school. He said "oh, ok" and continued to look out the window.
"Momma? will I make friends finally? Will anyone be afraid of me? Can I have friends over that I make at my new school?"
That loud crashing you hear through the computer is actually my heart breaking......into a million, gazillion, quadrapillion MEGALLION pieces. Yep. Broken heart everytime my son asks me if he can have friends come over, and when I know he doesn't have many. He has kids say hi and hey Jacob, but never comes home with any pieces of paper saying please call me and Jacob can come over. Not one phone call, not one friend. It hurts. And I know it hurts my son as well.
We got to the presentation, and the Social worker and the Principal and another EA teacher was there. And at 3 pm, it was our time.
The Social Worker, is such a lovely man, but I can tell that he has a hard time speaking in front of people. Poor guy his hands were shaking the entire time, and all I could think about was hearing my Momma in the background "you can do this. It's right. It's time. You are the Momma Bear, and you fight for your cubs. You die for them, and we love you and we are very proud of you." At that moment I knew, I was going to say something about the situation that my little family was in. He spoke, the EA Teacher spoke, and even though all of the things they spoke about I had already known...it was still hardto hear my kind and loving son have episodes of harming himself, teling others that he can do what he wanted to his body, and that he would jam thumb tacks so far into his thumbs it would make him bleed. The broken heart I had already sustained in the car, picked up, and placed in my pocket to be repaired at a later date, was now crumbling into dust like a mummified heart that would never make it through the Gates of Hell or Heaven combined. GAWD. Why Jake? my poor son. What dimension does he live in? and how the hell do I get there????
And then. It was Momma Bear's turn, my turn to impresss upon the five professionals that sat on the other side of the table smiling and nodding at me, encouraging me to share my experiences, in about five minutes or less.
I started. Everything the school said was totally true. I had struggled with my son, and had him in private school last year and that was the time that he was the best. But, I didn't have the money to continue to provide that amazing schooling for him. And he lost his one and only friend from that school(heart is no longer even dust...its small specks of matter in my down filled winter jacket now).
I told them that Jake is loving and compassionate, and kind. When I am sick he caters to me like a good man would. And that I am blessed to have him and my daughter, as they have changed me for the better. *Believe me, had you all known me years ago, you wouldn't have wanted to be my friend*
My son, is a smart and talented little man, and he has issues at school only. I tell people about his meltdowns, and they cannot believe that he is the same kid. They gasp for air and say OMG! no way! Jake? he's so sweet!
Yeah, I know.....
And I stated the truth, that for the past four years it has really only been me, him and my daughter. Their father has not really been a part of his life, or our life, and I know that makes my son angry all the time. He cries for his dogs that he used to havee, and asks for Harley our German Shepherd all the time. (heart is nothing now) Which in turn makes Jake most difficut school and that he cannot follow the rules at all. Or refuses too. I pleaded with them and said that I've taken a leave of absence from work because I couldn't stop thinking about my son, or the phone calls I would receive everytime he ran away from school, and that one of the times he needed to be picked up from school, I was literally standing over a deceased person, at a call, and I couldn't leave and I had to call my then nanny to go and get him. It was awful. I did my job that day, but not without thinking about how awful Jake was feeling.
That was it. I said it all. And said that I couldn't do my job as a police officer right now as my mother duties had far outweighed my career duties. I was no good to my partners on the road, let alone the City of Ottawa, let alone my family. And there it was. Outloud. Again for the third time, out of my mouth came the truth. That my son and my daughter still have preceidence over my job all the time, and I didn't feel any shame for that. They thanked us, I grabbed the kids, and we all walked out. The Social Worker and the Teachers patted me on the back, and said, "you got him in, we just know it."
Tuesday came and went, Wednesday came and went. Thursday came....
A voice mail and an email came in.
All I had to read was the first line; "Hi Nicole, I have good news, Jacob has been accepted into Steps to Success......."
I was home alone, and squealed so loud my blind cat ran away so fast! I had prayed for the phone call, and I wrote the Social Worker back and thanked him for his hard work.
Jake came home from school that day, and I told him that he got accepted to the program, and all he wanted to know was 1) do I get my own minivan to drive me? and 2) will I make friends Momma?
and last but not least 3) are the kids like me?
We hugged and I said of course yes to every question, and he said OK! and ran out the door to play outside with some kids on the street.
The dusty heart that was in my pocket has since returned to a more fuller form, and continues to be filled with hope and promise for my son with each passing day.
A new routine will make him more stable.
Momma Bear
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