Tomorrow is the day.
Yep. THE day.
Last week the social worker called, and said that we are presenting to several agencies for my son to be approved to go to Day Treatment program. And the fingers need to be crossed, like a million times over to be hopeful. He had asked me if I should say something, and then said, you can decide another day if you like? Me being who I am, I have a hard time saying nothing. Especially when it comes to my son, so chances are I'll be vouching and advcocating for my son. I will tell them that at home he's a riot and a lot of fun! And how I hate receiving those phone calls from school about how he was and how he threatened the school again, to come back and shoot people with guns. Hearing that as a parent and not only as a police officer is not fun, and makes me angry and frustrated. It feels like Jake's needs are not being met, and he will continually scare kids and loathe school. I can't even focus on grading high school, I'm focused on grade school for God's sake. When I hear from teachers, he threatened to choke himsel again today, and ran away for yet another call to 911, my heart quietly breaks a little each time. Some of it feels like embarassment, some of it is anger, and some of it is frustration that my son feels so awful about himself he wants to hurt himself. It scares the hell out of me, and how does he know when to stop or how far is too far??
It's funny, I wouldn't have agreed to this, my son going to yet another school, if I hadn't met my counsellor. He taught me something so simple, "ask yourself the question about it, and see how you feel, like physically about it". Holy man. Does it ever work! I've been doing it for weeks now, and it's been bang on everytime. I had asked myself that question, and everytime i did, it felt like the right decision. Again and again, anytime of the day, I asked. And I got the same answer. And I could hear my positive self saying, You're doing the right thing ok?
Yes, I am. For my son.
Since I've been home with my son, I realized that my patience level prior to that was at an absolute zero. LIKE NONE given or had inside of me for patience. I would snap, get angry easier, and just not be rested or feeling ok. It's amazing what regular sleep will do for a person. Shift work stinks for that, but I don't blame my job. It is what it is, and I signed up for it. But the things I've seen from my son, the questions he asks, and the conversations we have, and the confidence I've seen from him, is unreal. I skated this past weekend with him on the ice, along with my daughter. I couldn't keep up with them two. HOLY! It was amazing, and to watch his concentration level, it was crazy! I know that people for years have been telling me to find a sport that he loves and let him have at it. My problem as with most parents is the money. We are not millionaires, and it costs a lot to just have a kid in house league let alone competitive, Heaven help me if he ever gets that good. But, seeing how he is and reacts to the ice, and the gear, and just lacing up his skates, makes me feel amazing about how hes feeling, and that is all that matters for me. My daughter as well, her self confidence has gone through the roof, and most of it has to do with the amazing hockey team they both play for. It is so loving and kind, and such an amazing group of people and volunteers that make it possible, and I cannot thank them enough some days for the change in my son. Now the only place to work on him is at school. Because I know that at hockey, it's like my son is being saved slowly but surely. Like even tonight, he ran around the Xmas party for his hockey team with another kid from the team. He was playing, and playing nicely with no yelling and screaming, and getting violent. It was amazing! And he came and told me every second of what he was doing and I had to tell him to go and play! He was happy, and crazy hyped up, but it was worth watching him zoom around with another little boy, playing pretend games. And true to his forgetfulness, he came over and said that he peed his pants, and that he was super sorry. Good thing I brough another pair of pants tonight......
I always think of other kids who may never have a conversation with their parents, who can't talk and point at things and use "baby grunts" or "baby language" becuase that's all they are capable of. Some parents that have wheelchair bound children, who are completely dependent on them 24/7, along with having a child who is Autistic, and on the highly side of the spectrum. I feel for them, because we all have our struggles. But I don't have to mourn the child that will never be, in fact, he is going to be great! We just have to make sure he learns good coping mechanisms to deal with his anger. God, if he is anything like me, it'll take years! But perspective is everything, and the fact that I have this opportunity tomorrow to sell my kid to a good day treatement program, well, that means I gotta sell it good right?
I know that times do get tough, and I have been feeling like a run down, over tired Mom. Here's to some light at the end of the tunnel tomorrow.
Momma Bear
Yep. THE day.
Last week the social worker called, and said that we are presenting to several agencies for my son to be approved to go to Day Treatment program. And the fingers need to be crossed, like a million times over to be hopeful. He had asked me if I should say something, and then said, you can decide another day if you like? Me being who I am, I have a hard time saying nothing. Especially when it comes to my son, so chances are I'll be vouching and advcocating for my son. I will tell them that at home he's a riot and a lot of fun! And how I hate receiving those phone calls from school about how he was and how he threatened the school again, to come back and shoot people with guns. Hearing that as a parent and not only as a police officer is not fun, and makes me angry and frustrated. It feels like Jake's needs are not being met, and he will continually scare kids and loathe school. I can't even focus on grading high school, I'm focused on grade school for God's sake. When I hear from teachers, he threatened to choke himsel again today, and ran away for yet another call to 911, my heart quietly breaks a little each time. Some of it feels like embarassment, some of it is anger, and some of it is frustration that my son feels so awful about himself he wants to hurt himself. It scares the hell out of me, and how does he know when to stop or how far is too far??
It's funny, I wouldn't have agreed to this, my son going to yet another school, if I hadn't met my counsellor. He taught me something so simple, "ask yourself the question about it, and see how you feel, like physically about it". Holy man. Does it ever work! I've been doing it for weeks now, and it's been bang on everytime. I had asked myself that question, and everytime i did, it felt like the right decision. Again and again, anytime of the day, I asked. And I got the same answer. And I could hear my positive self saying, You're doing the right thing ok?
Yes, I am. For my son.
Since I've been home with my son, I realized that my patience level prior to that was at an absolute zero. LIKE NONE given or had inside of me for patience. I would snap, get angry easier, and just not be rested or feeling ok. It's amazing what regular sleep will do for a person. Shift work stinks for that, but I don't blame my job. It is what it is, and I signed up for it. But the things I've seen from my son, the questions he asks, and the conversations we have, and the confidence I've seen from him, is unreal. I skated this past weekend with him on the ice, along with my daughter. I couldn't keep up with them two. HOLY! It was amazing, and to watch his concentration level, it was crazy! I know that people for years have been telling me to find a sport that he loves and let him have at it. My problem as with most parents is the money. We are not millionaires, and it costs a lot to just have a kid in house league let alone competitive, Heaven help me if he ever gets that good. But, seeing how he is and reacts to the ice, and the gear, and just lacing up his skates, makes me feel amazing about how hes feeling, and that is all that matters for me. My daughter as well, her self confidence has gone through the roof, and most of it has to do with the amazing hockey team they both play for. It is so loving and kind, and such an amazing group of people and volunteers that make it possible, and I cannot thank them enough some days for the change in my son. Now the only place to work on him is at school. Because I know that at hockey, it's like my son is being saved slowly but surely. Like even tonight, he ran around the Xmas party for his hockey team with another kid from the team. He was playing, and playing nicely with no yelling and screaming, and getting violent. It was amazing! And he came and told me every second of what he was doing and I had to tell him to go and play! He was happy, and crazy hyped up, but it was worth watching him zoom around with another little boy, playing pretend games. And true to his forgetfulness, he came over and said that he peed his pants, and that he was super sorry. Good thing I brough another pair of pants tonight......
I always think of other kids who may never have a conversation with their parents, who can't talk and point at things and use "baby grunts" or "baby language" becuase that's all they are capable of. Some parents that have wheelchair bound children, who are completely dependent on them 24/7, along with having a child who is Autistic, and on the highly side of the spectrum. I feel for them, because we all have our struggles. But I don't have to mourn the child that will never be, in fact, he is going to be great! We just have to make sure he learns good coping mechanisms to deal with his anger. God, if he is anything like me, it'll take years! But perspective is everything, and the fact that I have this opportunity tomorrow to sell my kid to a good day treatement program, well, that means I gotta sell it good right?
I know that times do get tough, and I have been feeling like a run down, over tired Mom. Here's to some light at the end of the tunnel tomorrow.
Momma Bear
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