Who decided to work an extra five hours after my 10 hours day shift?
OH YEAH. That was my decision. What is funny about it is, everyone keeps saying "Geez, Nicole you shouldn't work that much..."
Truth is, I have to. I have a nanny. Bills. Gas. Groceries. Kids to feed and clothe.
And while a lot of people get to do it as a doubled unit, I am a lone wolf.
My decision to leave my marriage was not one that I took lightly. It happened almost five years ago now, and I had finally decided that enough was enough. I was done with the lying and the cheating, done on both parts, I won't place all of the blame on him. I was done with constantly feeling like I was not myself, and I had to fit for affection from him. WHY should I have to fight for affection? No one should. No one. But, there I was. Wanting to have kids, and doing anything possible to do it. I really wanted to be pregnant, and we had just started going to the fertility clinic, and picking profiles out of the books, and he said to me "I don't want some other guys baby in you."
WOW.
Talk about selfish, and he was and still is totally selfish.
BUt, at the time I wanted both of us to be happy, and I figured the best way was to actually sacrifice my dream of being pregnant and becoming a mom the ole fashioned way to becoming a mother who adopted two children to give them a better life. So, I relented. And agreed.
The most horrible and painful experience was asking my cousin to be my Maid of Honour for my wedding. I remember she texted me one day before my wedding, months and months before and told me that she couldn't make it. I was so heartbroken, but what she said next I was never prepared for the feelings I went through for the next few months.
"Hey cuz, I can't make your wedding, and I am so sorry."
"Why not?" I had asked her.
"Well. Because I will be having my baby, I'm pregnant." She said.
Silence. Like a long pause.................................................................................
"What?" I squeaked out.
"I'm pregnant." She stated, and then I could hear the excitement in her voice, and how she was holding back tears, and she sighed long.
"I'm so sorry Nik, I really wanted to be there on your day." She said with much love and sorrow in her voice.
Now, I was so torn between my anger, my love, and my jealously. HOW DARE YOU MISS MY WEDDING??!!! Was all I could think of. And then the real reason I was mad came out. My cousin, my I wish she was my sister cousin, was pregnant, and I was not. Nor was I ever going to be. Ever. And I started to cry. As my tears came down and dripped all over my counter top, and my three legged dog Deogee rubbed against my leg for comfort, I said to her "oh my god! I'm going to be an Auntie!!!!" But meanwhile, deep down inside, I was dying a slow and painful death of a 100 people. I started my grief process that same day, and secretly hated her for being pregnant without me, and being able to have that blessing without me, for enjoying that moment of motherhood, without me. And missing my wedding. I felt like I had just been punched in the gut, and my fingernails ripped out one by one. It was one of the most painful expereicnes I had ever had. It was right next to knocking on someones door, and wearing my Forge Cap, and informing someone they had lost a loved one. Because lets face it, sometimes us Police Officers have more bad news then good news some days.
We chatted for a while, and I tried to ignore my pain, but it was ever present while we chatted about names, and where he/she would go to school etc. I wished so hard that I was the one that was pregnant, but it wasn't to be. I hung up the phone that day and I was forever changed.
After the decision was made to adopt my children, we adopted Leighton first. She was this bumbling little fireball with nothing but cuteness, and would do anything for your attention. She could barely talk but could say her name, and a few words but she would mumble to talk to you. I remember laying in bed with my ex husband and saying to him "what if she doesn't like us?" He would say "I'm scared of that too." And I would lay awake at night, tossing and turning and hoping I wasn't a bully like my father was. Little did I know that I was married to a man who was like my father.
We visited my daughter, and she slept a lot. Like three naps a day. I thought even me not ever being a mom, that was a lot wasn't it? She ended up having issues with her ears and nose and throat area, as most FAS children do.
Now when you adopt, you are always told, to expect that there will be some sort of issues. Some sort of issues can range from physical disabilties to ADHD to Autism to Behavior issues to Sexual issues to basically everything. Adopting Jacob was in itself a fight. My ex husband didn't want two children, but I have always wanted two kids, a boy and a girl. Didn't matter what order it was, all I wanted was two. I thought ideally a boy first so he could protect his sister, and then I was like wait a second, these are my kids, she could probably kick some serious ass, and protect him if she needs to. So order didn't matter.
When I saw Jacob the first time, he was in a crib, at the same foster home as my daughter, and he shook, all the time. The foster mom said that his birth mother was a drug addict, and that he was still in withdrawl phase. It broke my heart and I begged my ex husband to have him. He out right refused, and said we are here to see that cute little girl. I thought I know, shes awesome but he is so gorgeous!
We adopted Leighton right after we got married, and exactly a year later I welcomed my little man home. It was Christmas time at our house, and it was the first time that my Mom and Dad would meet Jacob. He was just starting to walk, and he was chubby, like the Michelin Man. But that Christmas was hell on one side of it, and my ex husband made it so. I fought with my mother like I have never fought with her before and I don't even know if I ever apologized enough for how she was treated by me. It broke my heart. But, she was so excited to have a grandson, and admitted to me years later that she was so nervous if she was even going to be able to love him like her own family. I can tell you that my mother is the best grandmother I could ever ask for. She's just as amazing as her mother was when she was here as my grandmother. There is no doubt in my mind that my mother loves both of my children unconditionally, and still gives them shit like a Gma is supposed to do. I'm 37 years old and she still scares the shit out of me!!!
And when I got done my shift today, and drove like a mad woman to get to my kids, all I could think about was how many days I hadn't seen them, and all the times I was treated like crap just because I am who I am.........my son hugs me and says Hi Momma, Pad Thai for dinner tonight? I melt. Hugs from both of my kids make my life worth going on for. I was feeling pretty lost and overwhelmed but it was good to just pick them up and get some chicken Pad Thai, and watch both of them try to manoveur chopsticks like a couple of bosses.
And that is why I work all those extra hours......just to make sure they are safe and sound.
Momma Bear
OH YEAH. That was my decision. What is funny about it is, everyone keeps saying "Geez, Nicole you shouldn't work that much..."
Truth is, I have to. I have a nanny. Bills. Gas. Groceries. Kids to feed and clothe.
And while a lot of people get to do it as a doubled unit, I am a lone wolf.
My decision to leave my marriage was not one that I took lightly. It happened almost five years ago now, and I had finally decided that enough was enough. I was done with the lying and the cheating, done on both parts, I won't place all of the blame on him. I was done with constantly feeling like I was not myself, and I had to fit for affection from him. WHY should I have to fight for affection? No one should. No one. But, there I was. Wanting to have kids, and doing anything possible to do it. I really wanted to be pregnant, and we had just started going to the fertility clinic, and picking profiles out of the books, and he said to me "I don't want some other guys baby in you."
WOW.
Talk about selfish, and he was and still is totally selfish.
BUt, at the time I wanted both of us to be happy, and I figured the best way was to actually sacrifice my dream of being pregnant and becoming a mom the ole fashioned way to becoming a mother who adopted two children to give them a better life. So, I relented. And agreed.
The most horrible and painful experience was asking my cousin to be my Maid of Honour for my wedding. I remember she texted me one day before my wedding, months and months before and told me that she couldn't make it. I was so heartbroken, but what she said next I was never prepared for the feelings I went through for the next few months.
"Hey cuz, I can't make your wedding, and I am so sorry."
"Why not?" I had asked her.
"Well. Because I will be having my baby, I'm pregnant." She said.
Silence. Like a long pause.................................................................................
"What?" I squeaked out.
"I'm pregnant." She stated, and then I could hear the excitement in her voice, and how she was holding back tears, and she sighed long.
"I'm so sorry Nik, I really wanted to be there on your day." She said with much love and sorrow in her voice.
Now, I was so torn between my anger, my love, and my jealously. HOW DARE YOU MISS MY WEDDING??!!! Was all I could think of. And then the real reason I was mad came out. My cousin, my I wish she was my sister cousin, was pregnant, and I was not. Nor was I ever going to be. Ever. And I started to cry. As my tears came down and dripped all over my counter top, and my three legged dog Deogee rubbed against my leg for comfort, I said to her "oh my god! I'm going to be an Auntie!!!!" But meanwhile, deep down inside, I was dying a slow and painful death of a 100 people. I started my grief process that same day, and secretly hated her for being pregnant without me, and being able to have that blessing without me, for enjoying that moment of motherhood, without me. And missing my wedding. I felt like I had just been punched in the gut, and my fingernails ripped out one by one. It was one of the most painful expereicnes I had ever had. It was right next to knocking on someones door, and wearing my Forge Cap, and informing someone they had lost a loved one. Because lets face it, sometimes us Police Officers have more bad news then good news some days.
We chatted for a while, and I tried to ignore my pain, but it was ever present while we chatted about names, and where he/she would go to school etc. I wished so hard that I was the one that was pregnant, but it wasn't to be. I hung up the phone that day and I was forever changed.
After the decision was made to adopt my children, we adopted Leighton first. She was this bumbling little fireball with nothing but cuteness, and would do anything for your attention. She could barely talk but could say her name, and a few words but she would mumble to talk to you. I remember laying in bed with my ex husband and saying to him "what if she doesn't like us?" He would say "I'm scared of that too." And I would lay awake at night, tossing and turning and hoping I wasn't a bully like my father was. Little did I know that I was married to a man who was like my father.
We visited my daughter, and she slept a lot. Like three naps a day. I thought even me not ever being a mom, that was a lot wasn't it? She ended up having issues with her ears and nose and throat area, as most FAS children do.
Now when you adopt, you are always told, to expect that there will be some sort of issues. Some sort of issues can range from physical disabilties to ADHD to Autism to Behavior issues to Sexual issues to basically everything. Adopting Jacob was in itself a fight. My ex husband didn't want two children, but I have always wanted two kids, a boy and a girl. Didn't matter what order it was, all I wanted was two. I thought ideally a boy first so he could protect his sister, and then I was like wait a second, these are my kids, she could probably kick some serious ass, and protect him if she needs to. So order didn't matter.
When I saw Jacob the first time, he was in a crib, at the same foster home as my daughter, and he shook, all the time. The foster mom said that his birth mother was a drug addict, and that he was still in withdrawl phase. It broke my heart and I begged my ex husband to have him. He out right refused, and said we are here to see that cute little girl. I thought I know, shes awesome but he is so gorgeous!
We adopted Leighton right after we got married, and exactly a year later I welcomed my little man home. It was Christmas time at our house, and it was the first time that my Mom and Dad would meet Jacob. He was just starting to walk, and he was chubby, like the Michelin Man. But that Christmas was hell on one side of it, and my ex husband made it so. I fought with my mother like I have never fought with her before and I don't even know if I ever apologized enough for how she was treated by me. It broke my heart. But, she was so excited to have a grandson, and admitted to me years later that she was so nervous if she was even going to be able to love him like her own family. I can tell you that my mother is the best grandmother I could ever ask for. She's just as amazing as her mother was when she was here as my grandmother. There is no doubt in my mind that my mother loves both of my children unconditionally, and still gives them shit like a Gma is supposed to do. I'm 37 years old and she still scares the shit out of me!!!
And when I got done my shift today, and drove like a mad woman to get to my kids, all I could think about was how many days I hadn't seen them, and all the times I was treated like crap just because I am who I am.........my son hugs me and says Hi Momma, Pad Thai for dinner tonight? I melt. Hugs from both of my kids make my life worth going on for. I was feeling pretty lost and overwhelmed but it was good to just pick them up and get some chicken Pad Thai, and watch both of them try to manoveur chopsticks like a couple of bosses.
And that is why I work all those extra hours......just to make sure they are safe and sound.
Momma Bear
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