I met with the Social worker today. The school had called anyways and said that since it was a snow day, the kids weren't going to be getting their subs/pizza so I had not sent a sandwich or anything to eat for lunch or them. I don't normally do that. I felt horrible like any other parent would feel forgetting to feed their child. But, I agreed to make some sandwiches and bring them over when I met with the Social Worker.
I drove over, because honestly my legs were so heavy today. I'd like to think it was because I had smashed a leg workout like a beast, but alas I would be lying, and we all know that I'm not a good liar.
Prior to this meeting, I had a very difficult decision to make about Jake and him going to a Day Treatment program. It had been presented to me about 2 weeks ago, and I had to sit on it and think and decide what I was going to do. So, I had listed the Pros and Cons, to my mom, friends, other officers who used to be teachers, and more friends, and my cousin, my old babysitter, my new Nanny, basically anyone who has a vested interest in Jake and him getting better.
So, I had decided. Only a few people thought it was a bad idea, but even once I told them that hes not even getting his education because he is being removed from the classroom when he starts to endanger other students, their eyes got big and they said "I guess you know my answer then." I have been going to see a therapist, who I quite like by the way, and he had said to me, think about the decision, ask yourself the question, "is it right or not?" and then see how you physically feel about it. I spent a few days, in between my Netflix/cleaning/Yoga/Soccer time, and asked myself the question. And, everytime I had asked myself, it kept coming to the answer of YES. Do it. And don't think like a cop about this school, think about your son. God knows everyone else has his best interest at heart don't they?
OK, I decided. And I had even felt that it was the right decision. I had made another appointment with the Social Worker so that I could sign the papers, and set a date, to make a presentation. He asked me if I had wanted to make a speech(ME? Really speak in front of people? OMG) and I answered that I would think about it. He said it may help them see how it affetcts your family life if your son is off kilter. I agreed, and said I'll speak. I signed the papers, walked out and wanted to immediately cry. Was this the answer now that I was going to get? Was this the progress in the right direction that I needed. Sitting through that meeting today was not entirely hard, until we started talking about my marriage, and any awful times we went through as a family, and then the reports from teachers who would say Jacob is a delightful boy, but threatened to bring a gun to school and kill everyone when he gets older, and uses thumb tacks to jam them on his hands and tells teachers that "I can do what I want to my body and theres nothing you can do!" My heart just dies everytime I have to hear those things about my son. What did I do wrong? What could I have possiby showed him, did I yell at him too much? Did I get after him too much? It is the worst feeling as a parent of a child with ADHD and Autism to hear your child, your sometimes kind and compassionate child, say such horrible things to other people, let alone teachers. GOD, I feel for them sometimes, and I apologize to them profusely, and they smile and say it's ok Nicole we do love him, What kind of people are these teachers? The kindest most patient people ever.
That was why I had decided to sign the application today, and send my son to yet another school, 5 schools in 3 years, and as I write.... I can't stop my tears, my feelings and emotions of sadness and fear, of what is to come. Reading in his report today that I have been subject to taking time away from my career because I couldn't handle the constant phone calls from school, the constant calls for service that my son becomes, and the fact that I feel like I am completely snookered at any decision I make.
None of this has been easy, and sometimes I fear that I have focused solely on the bad things and not necassarily the good things. I guess when you are on overdrive for so long, and really can't take a break, this is what you get used to. I watched my mother for years do it, and she just finished her PhD, and honest to God, she is my hero. I learned my strength from her, and I wonder sometimes how hard it mustve been for her to be so strong, and alone, and very much lonely I imagine. Because it can feel like that sometimes, like you are the only person in the world having to make these decisions about your childs well being, and education. So, when I say I can't do people some days, its completely an understatement. Because there are some days where my son can't even do normal things like get through a learning block at school, before he decides to choke himself again, or run away and become a 911 call.
On the bright side, as they say, the school is not private, so I won't be out $40,000, right?
Momma Bear
I drove over, because honestly my legs were so heavy today. I'd like to think it was because I had smashed a leg workout like a beast, but alas I would be lying, and we all know that I'm not a good liar.
Prior to this meeting, I had a very difficult decision to make about Jake and him going to a Day Treatment program. It had been presented to me about 2 weeks ago, and I had to sit on it and think and decide what I was going to do. So, I had listed the Pros and Cons, to my mom, friends, other officers who used to be teachers, and more friends, and my cousin, my old babysitter, my new Nanny, basically anyone who has a vested interest in Jake and him getting better.
So, I had decided. Only a few people thought it was a bad idea, but even once I told them that hes not even getting his education because he is being removed from the classroom when he starts to endanger other students, their eyes got big and they said "I guess you know my answer then." I have been going to see a therapist, who I quite like by the way, and he had said to me, think about the decision, ask yourself the question, "is it right or not?" and then see how you physically feel about it. I spent a few days, in between my Netflix/cleaning/Yoga/Soccer time, and asked myself the question. And, everytime I had asked myself, it kept coming to the answer of YES. Do it. And don't think like a cop about this school, think about your son. God knows everyone else has his best interest at heart don't they?
OK, I decided. And I had even felt that it was the right decision. I had made another appointment with the Social Worker so that I could sign the papers, and set a date, to make a presentation. He asked me if I had wanted to make a speech(ME? Really speak in front of people? OMG) and I answered that I would think about it. He said it may help them see how it affetcts your family life if your son is off kilter. I agreed, and said I'll speak. I signed the papers, walked out and wanted to immediately cry. Was this the answer now that I was going to get? Was this the progress in the right direction that I needed. Sitting through that meeting today was not entirely hard, until we started talking about my marriage, and any awful times we went through as a family, and then the reports from teachers who would say Jacob is a delightful boy, but threatened to bring a gun to school and kill everyone when he gets older, and uses thumb tacks to jam them on his hands and tells teachers that "I can do what I want to my body and theres nothing you can do!" My heart just dies everytime I have to hear those things about my son. What did I do wrong? What could I have possiby showed him, did I yell at him too much? Did I get after him too much? It is the worst feeling as a parent of a child with ADHD and Autism to hear your child, your sometimes kind and compassionate child, say such horrible things to other people, let alone teachers. GOD, I feel for them sometimes, and I apologize to them profusely, and they smile and say it's ok Nicole we do love him, What kind of people are these teachers? The kindest most patient people ever.
That was why I had decided to sign the application today, and send my son to yet another school, 5 schools in 3 years, and as I write.... I can't stop my tears, my feelings and emotions of sadness and fear, of what is to come. Reading in his report today that I have been subject to taking time away from my career because I couldn't handle the constant phone calls from school, the constant calls for service that my son becomes, and the fact that I feel like I am completely snookered at any decision I make.
None of this has been easy, and sometimes I fear that I have focused solely on the bad things and not necassarily the good things. I guess when you are on overdrive for so long, and really can't take a break, this is what you get used to. I watched my mother for years do it, and she just finished her PhD, and honest to God, she is my hero. I learned my strength from her, and I wonder sometimes how hard it mustve been for her to be so strong, and alone, and very much lonely I imagine. Because it can feel like that sometimes, like you are the only person in the world having to make these decisions about your childs well being, and education. So, when I say I can't do people some days, its completely an understatement. Because there are some days where my son can't even do normal things like get through a learning block at school, before he decides to choke himself again, or run away and become a 911 call.
On the bright side, as they say, the school is not private, so I won't be out $40,000, right?
Momma Bear
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