Last week, I had wondererd if I was going to survive the week.....
Well.
I apparently did. I got some sleep. I didn't get anymore phone calls from the school. Thank goodness. Jake had a much better week, Monday was stil rough but not nearly as rough as the week prior to this.
I worked overtime again, and the entire time I was getting ready I felt like just going back to bed and sleeping for a year. Or two. I can't even being to tell you though, even with the overtime looming over my head, how very relieved I was that Jake was in a much better space. We had gone to see the Psychiatrist, and got the referral to obtain a Service dog, costing me between $17,000 to $30,000, and then the Behvaiour Therapy. All of it sounds amazing, and I am crossing my fingers for all of it to happen. So, I have some choices to make. I was informed by the Therapist that its possible to have his therapy funded, but they would have to still obtain the money up front. Another expense that I don't have the funds for. But, come hell or high water, I will do whatever I have to do to get it. I won't rob a bank, that would probably be very bad for me and my job, but I can totally understand how people feel when they are somewhat desperate to help their son or daughter because they are sick or need help. Nothing can stand between a parent who needs something for their child, and I can see how some do anything at all costs to obtain that.
When we left the appointment, Jake asked if he still had something "wrong" with him. I said no, you don't have anything wrong with you kiddo. You're different but everyone has differences. He looked out the window for a long time and said, "is that why I am so bored at school?" I laughed and said, "I think so." And then he proceeded to tell me yet again why he thinks Sherlock Holmes is a way better and smarted detective then Hercule Poirot. Imagine! The nerve on this kid.....I laughed. Because I do like both detectives.
During the majority of this time, the children's father, the ex husband, has not had any communcation. Whatsoever. My daughter is absolutely terrified of him, and my son thinks hes Gods gift to fathers. Someday I hope my son will know that the majority of the time that we struggle is because he has not helped us at all. All of the decisions into getting him diagnosed, and seen by a medical team of Doctors and Psychiatrist and Psychologist, is because I did it. I knew something was going on with my son and I knew that if I wanted togive him a fighting chance, I needed to make these things happen. We don't hear from him and unfortunately for my kids, he doesn't help out monetarily at all. That is why I am burnt out. That is why I am so absolutely exhausted and tired and fed up...fed up completely. The only thing that I keep thinking about is that my kids know that I work my butt off, thank GOD for Facetime, and a nanny who lets me chat with them anytime. I know that I would be driven nutso if I didn't have that. I would love to be able to move on....move on from this nightmare of my life sometimes. Finally get some answers from court, and from the ex to finally step in and help out. I don't necessarily think my daughter or my son would like to have any communication with him, but I would want him to understand that my children have disabilities and we signed up to be parents together. I have already given him too much of my energy.....
My mom came here to Ottawa for my birthday, its actually tomorrow. I will be 28 and holding as they say, but happy to have her here for sure! I didn't tell the kids and they squealed with delight because they miss her as much as I do, and I text with her everyday. I watched her go through hell with my father, and when he left when I was 14 I remember saying to her THANK GOD hes gone! Now can we finally have some piece and quiet? My father was a bully. Plain and simple. He was mean, and aggressive, and would make fun of you for having emotions, or crying or being angry. He used to always come into my room when I was mad at him, and tell me that he could "take everything away from me anytime I wanted to, you see those clothes? Those are mine!" I would just stare at him with complete and total hatred. But when he was nice and loving, oh he was nice and loving. I don't remember my dad ever being a hugger, it was my mom that was better at that. When my dad left, my mom didn't get out of bed for about a year. She slept all the time and complained all the time about being broke, and how she hated my father for this and how she hated him for leaving us. All I could think about was that it was so much more peaceful without him bellowing about stupid things. Bully. Bully all the time, that was his thing. But in order for me to understand him, I had to understand how he grew up. It's funny because my Aunts, who are my Dad's sisters, never talked about their childhood. And one time, over a nice hot cup of tea, my Favorite Auntie told me how it was to be a child in the Miller family back in the days of when my dad was young. Their father, my grandfather was an alcoholic. My grandmother was too at one point, and they fought all the time physically. My grandmother left with all SIX of her kids. Yep, my Aunts and Uncles, when they were young had been pawns in a Domestic Violence situation that I have seen repeat itself all too many times. Even in my marriage. My grandfather passed away before I was even born, and my grandmother, Elizabeth, got remarried to the man that was my Tota Jim. And Tota Jim drank Pabst Blue Ribbon, but what I remembered the most about him was that he loved my grandmother. And when I went to visit, I felt nothing but love and care. I miss both of them tremendously and I had always hoped that they would both be proud of me now. My dad ended up living with his grandmother, and back and forth between her and his mother for years, and then ended up in Detroit.....and then met my mother.
And there I was, for years knowing that the person I was "in love" with, was all parts of WRONG for me, but I hadn't thought about that.....and then put two and two together. My dad was a bully, and so is he? WOW, total ephipany.
And that was why I had to make my difficult choice at the time, for my kids. And now, it's not so difficult. But I can say my life is so much better being a sole parent then it is anything else. You do not know how much courage it takes to walk away, but then even more courage to try and survive the normal difficulties that we are faced with day in and day out with children with disabilites, and mostly Jake with Autism/ADHD.
So happy birthday to Momma Bear, it'll be great to be with my little family and watch my kids skate tomorrow at the rink.
Momma Bear
Well.
I apparently did. I got some sleep. I didn't get anymore phone calls from the school. Thank goodness. Jake had a much better week, Monday was stil rough but not nearly as rough as the week prior to this.
I worked overtime again, and the entire time I was getting ready I felt like just going back to bed and sleeping for a year. Or two. I can't even being to tell you though, even with the overtime looming over my head, how very relieved I was that Jake was in a much better space. We had gone to see the Psychiatrist, and got the referral to obtain a Service dog, costing me between $17,000 to $30,000, and then the Behvaiour Therapy. All of it sounds amazing, and I am crossing my fingers for all of it to happen. So, I have some choices to make. I was informed by the Therapist that its possible to have his therapy funded, but they would have to still obtain the money up front. Another expense that I don't have the funds for. But, come hell or high water, I will do whatever I have to do to get it. I won't rob a bank, that would probably be very bad for me and my job, but I can totally understand how people feel when they are somewhat desperate to help their son or daughter because they are sick or need help. Nothing can stand between a parent who needs something for their child, and I can see how some do anything at all costs to obtain that.
When we left the appointment, Jake asked if he still had something "wrong" with him. I said no, you don't have anything wrong with you kiddo. You're different but everyone has differences. He looked out the window for a long time and said, "is that why I am so bored at school?" I laughed and said, "I think so." And then he proceeded to tell me yet again why he thinks Sherlock Holmes is a way better and smarted detective then Hercule Poirot. Imagine! The nerve on this kid.....I laughed. Because I do like both detectives.
During the majority of this time, the children's father, the ex husband, has not had any communcation. Whatsoever. My daughter is absolutely terrified of him, and my son thinks hes Gods gift to fathers. Someday I hope my son will know that the majority of the time that we struggle is because he has not helped us at all. All of the decisions into getting him diagnosed, and seen by a medical team of Doctors and Psychiatrist and Psychologist, is because I did it. I knew something was going on with my son and I knew that if I wanted togive him a fighting chance, I needed to make these things happen. We don't hear from him and unfortunately for my kids, he doesn't help out monetarily at all. That is why I am burnt out. That is why I am so absolutely exhausted and tired and fed up...fed up completely. The only thing that I keep thinking about is that my kids know that I work my butt off, thank GOD for Facetime, and a nanny who lets me chat with them anytime. I know that I would be driven nutso if I didn't have that. I would love to be able to move on....move on from this nightmare of my life sometimes. Finally get some answers from court, and from the ex to finally step in and help out. I don't necessarily think my daughter or my son would like to have any communication with him, but I would want him to understand that my children have disabilities and we signed up to be parents together. I have already given him too much of my energy.....
My mom came here to Ottawa for my birthday, its actually tomorrow. I will be 28 and holding as they say, but happy to have her here for sure! I didn't tell the kids and they squealed with delight because they miss her as much as I do, and I text with her everyday. I watched her go through hell with my father, and when he left when I was 14 I remember saying to her THANK GOD hes gone! Now can we finally have some piece and quiet? My father was a bully. Plain and simple. He was mean, and aggressive, and would make fun of you for having emotions, or crying or being angry. He used to always come into my room when I was mad at him, and tell me that he could "take everything away from me anytime I wanted to, you see those clothes? Those are mine!" I would just stare at him with complete and total hatred. But when he was nice and loving, oh he was nice and loving. I don't remember my dad ever being a hugger, it was my mom that was better at that. When my dad left, my mom didn't get out of bed for about a year. She slept all the time and complained all the time about being broke, and how she hated my father for this and how she hated him for leaving us. All I could think about was that it was so much more peaceful without him bellowing about stupid things. Bully. Bully all the time, that was his thing. But in order for me to understand him, I had to understand how he grew up. It's funny because my Aunts, who are my Dad's sisters, never talked about their childhood. And one time, over a nice hot cup of tea, my Favorite Auntie told me how it was to be a child in the Miller family back in the days of when my dad was young. Their father, my grandfather was an alcoholic. My grandmother was too at one point, and they fought all the time physically. My grandmother left with all SIX of her kids. Yep, my Aunts and Uncles, when they were young had been pawns in a Domestic Violence situation that I have seen repeat itself all too many times. Even in my marriage. My grandfather passed away before I was even born, and my grandmother, Elizabeth, got remarried to the man that was my Tota Jim. And Tota Jim drank Pabst Blue Ribbon, but what I remembered the most about him was that he loved my grandmother. And when I went to visit, I felt nothing but love and care. I miss both of them tremendously and I had always hoped that they would both be proud of me now. My dad ended up living with his grandmother, and back and forth between her and his mother for years, and then ended up in Detroit.....and then met my mother.
And there I was, for years knowing that the person I was "in love" with, was all parts of WRONG for me, but I hadn't thought about that.....and then put two and two together. My dad was a bully, and so is he? WOW, total ephipany.
And that was why I had to make my difficult choice at the time, for my kids. And now, it's not so difficult. But I can say my life is so much better being a sole parent then it is anything else. You do not know how much courage it takes to walk away, but then even more courage to try and survive the normal difficulties that we are faced with day in and day out with children with disabilites, and mostly Jake with Autism/ADHD.
So happy birthday to Momma Bear, it'll be great to be with my little family and watch my kids skate tomorrow at the rink.
Momma Bear
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