I woke up this morning to my alarm screaming at me....I was ready to toss the phone out the window and then I remembered that its an expensive phone and I might need it.
I drove over to my nanny's place, collected my kids, and drove them home. I had 3 hours of sleep.
THREE. HOURS. of sleep. I feel like all I do nowadays is work, attempt to sleep, and whine about the lack of sleep I get.
Today was the day we go and see the Psychiatrist, and hopefully we can start talking about the medication change. It seems like that is the only other thing that can be changed with my son.
I dropped my daughter off at school, and grabbed a coffee(Nectar of the Gods), and drove to Kanata with my son.
On the way, we talked about his conversation yesterday with the nanny, and how he told her that he didn't want any help, and that he would burn the house down. The nanny, texts me and said this is what hes saying to us, just wanted to let you know. I was like WHAT THE HELL do you need to even say that you're going to burn the house down for ? and WHOS house are you talking about? Cuz God knows this house ain't mine, and its already had a fire in it thanks to the Landlord. Then she texted back again and told me that he was trying to choke himself (YET AGAIN), and she had to stop him. Its so atttention seeking its crazy. I wrote her back that he was being crazy again, and she said I know and I am ignoring him, if he tries to hurt himself I'll stop him, but that's it.
All I could think of was, why the heck is he doing this again? Its absolutely infurirating.
I will admit that when I did get these text messages, I cried. Full alligator tears, in my cruiser, while in uniform, in a dark parking lot that we call the Dead Zone, since its the funeral home parking lot. Full on sobbing and crying tears again. I think only becuase I was so tired and everything felt like so emotional. And then I stayed alone in my car, I felt like I didn't want to bring everything onto the other people I work with. God knows they have listened to me rant and rave about my hardships enough that I am tiresome.
My son and I arrived at this appointment, and waited. Thankfully we didn't have to wait long, and we met with the Doctor's assistant. I told her all of it, the comments about coming to school with guns and shooting people, choking himself, telling my nanny he wanted to die, he wanted to burn the house down, he hates everyone, running away from school. And progressively she had a look of sorrow on her face, the same look everyone gives me when they say Nicole you're doing the right thing and I know youre tired, and I know youve had enough. I know you work all the time. She said, you are doing the right thing, and it sounds like his medication isnt working well anymore. I thought to myself, good! Its not like I am crazy am I???? Then we met with the Doctor, I told her all of the same stuff, and then she offered some more services, and Behavoural Therapy, along with more funding information. Its always the same problem. I make too much money to get the funding I need. PERIOD. If I made $40,000 a year, or if I was on Welfare, or Mother's Allowance, or ODSP, I would get all kinds of help. BUT, here I am, with a good paying job, and an ex who refuses to pay child support, and I am in the wrong tax bracket. I collected what I could get from the Doctor, and met with the Behaviour Therapist, and figured I would get a chance to call her to set up sessions with her program. I'm sure her rate would be better then Jake's old school at $2,500 a month, right?
The Doctor gave me a letter for the service dog, and then a letter to access some emergency funds from my personal loan so I can actually have the funds to get my son therapy sessions that would help him with his behaviour.
We drove back to the house, and had to change clothes because of course he peed his pants again, even after I told him to go to the washroom when we were witth the Doctor. I wanted to scream. LOUDLY. And then all I could think about was sleep......
I'm supposed to start soccer again tonight, and I can't even begin to tell you how much I don't want to be around anyone because i'll probably start crying, and getting upset. And lately the crying is more and more, and not sure when it happens or where! I dropped him off and spoke to his Principal, and she said she would look into the service dog, and that she knew that some other kids had them in the Catholic board, so she was pretty sure we could do it. I thanked her, went to Home Depot to get some ear protection for Jake, since he hates loud noises, and then came home. I ate chips and a Kit Kat bar for my lunch and drank a Dr.Pepper.....great nutitrion for me. It's awful, but I didn' have the energy to do anything else, even a sandwich. And guess who has to work again tomorrow to have enough to pay my nanny? YEP, me.
These are the times I know I wish I was richer, not the glamour of it, but just so that I wouldn't have to work as much as I do and miss things with my kids.
Momma Bear
I drove over to my nanny's place, collected my kids, and drove them home. I had 3 hours of sleep.
THREE. HOURS. of sleep. I feel like all I do nowadays is work, attempt to sleep, and whine about the lack of sleep I get.
Today was the day we go and see the Psychiatrist, and hopefully we can start talking about the medication change. It seems like that is the only other thing that can be changed with my son.
I dropped my daughter off at school, and grabbed a coffee(Nectar of the Gods), and drove to Kanata with my son.
On the way, we talked about his conversation yesterday with the nanny, and how he told her that he didn't want any help, and that he would burn the house down. The nanny, texts me and said this is what hes saying to us, just wanted to let you know. I was like WHAT THE HELL do you need to even say that you're going to burn the house down for ? and WHOS house are you talking about? Cuz God knows this house ain't mine, and its already had a fire in it thanks to the Landlord. Then she texted back again and told me that he was trying to choke himself (YET AGAIN), and she had to stop him. Its so atttention seeking its crazy. I wrote her back that he was being crazy again, and she said I know and I am ignoring him, if he tries to hurt himself I'll stop him, but that's it.
All I could think of was, why the heck is he doing this again? Its absolutely infurirating.
I will admit that when I did get these text messages, I cried. Full alligator tears, in my cruiser, while in uniform, in a dark parking lot that we call the Dead Zone, since its the funeral home parking lot. Full on sobbing and crying tears again. I think only becuase I was so tired and everything felt like so emotional. And then I stayed alone in my car, I felt like I didn't want to bring everything onto the other people I work with. God knows they have listened to me rant and rave about my hardships enough that I am tiresome.
My son and I arrived at this appointment, and waited. Thankfully we didn't have to wait long, and we met with the Doctor's assistant. I told her all of it, the comments about coming to school with guns and shooting people, choking himself, telling my nanny he wanted to die, he wanted to burn the house down, he hates everyone, running away from school. And progressively she had a look of sorrow on her face, the same look everyone gives me when they say Nicole you're doing the right thing and I know youre tired, and I know youve had enough. I know you work all the time. She said, you are doing the right thing, and it sounds like his medication isnt working well anymore. I thought to myself, good! Its not like I am crazy am I???? Then we met with the Doctor, I told her all of the same stuff, and then she offered some more services, and Behavoural Therapy, along with more funding information. Its always the same problem. I make too much money to get the funding I need. PERIOD. If I made $40,000 a year, or if I was on Welfare, or Mother's Allowance, or ODSP, I would get all kinds of help. BUT, here I am, with a good paying job, and an ex who refuses to pay child support, and I am in the wrong tax bracket. I collected what I could get from the Doctor, and met with the Behaviour Therapist, and figured I would get a chance to call her to set up sessions with her program. I'm sure her rate would be better then Jake's old school at $2,500 a month, right?
The Doctor gave me a letter for the service dog, and then a letter to access some emergency funds from my personal loan so I can actually have the funds to get my son therapy sessions that would help him with his behaviour.
We drove back to the house, and had to change clothes because of course he peed his pants again, even after I told him to go to the washroom when we were witth the Doctor. I wanted to scream. LOUDLY. And then all I could think about was sleep......
I'm supposed to start soccer again tonight, and I can't even begin to tell you how much I don't want to be around anyone because i'll probably start crying, and getting upset. And lately the crying is more and more, and not sure when it happens or where! I dropped him off and spoke to his Principal, and she said she would look into the service dog, and that she knew that some other kids had them in the Catholic board, so she was pretty sure we could do it. I thanked her, went to Home Depot to get some ear protection for Jake, since he hates loud noises, and then came home. I ate chips and a Kit Kat bar for my lunch and drank a Dr.Pepper.....great nutitrion for me. It's awful, but I didn' have the energy to do anything else, even a sandwich. And guess who has to work again tomorrow to have enough to pay my nanny? YEP, me.
These are the times I know I wish I was richer, not the glamour of it, but just so that I wouldn't have to work as much as I do and miss things with my kids.
Momma Bear
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